Time : 06:09 a.m. I haven’t slept. Yet again. It has been months. And for months I have kept it to myself. Myself all along. I have night terrors since more than a year now, If I ever fall asleep i wake up frequently screaming, shaking, gasping for air, shocked, paralyzed or simply praying. And quietly go back to sleep holding myself tight.
I can’t function. I can’t get myself to fall asleep. I can’t get myself to talk to someone, or do ordinary mundane things like get ready, or do house chores or even use my laptop. I can’t get myself to answer a call or open my inbox to read messages. I simply look at my phone screen till it turns dark and I put it aside. I can’t get myself to accept the fact that ringtones & message tones are giving me anxiety. I can’t get myself to put on a good cloth, some makeup, step outside & walk in an open space. I can’t get my body to do things that my mind asks me to. I can’t get my mind to function when I need my body to move. I can’t.
I can’t breathe. I am sinking and I can’t get myself to move my body to swim and stay afloat no matter how much internally I scream with frustration. Instead I just sit there & stare in the blank space while the anchor pulls me deeper and deeper into oblivion. I feel numb and in anguish at the same time. I feel choked and drowning at the same time. It is as if I am a prisoner inside my own body. I am trapped. I am tired. I can’t function. I can’t.
I feel empty. It is exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I can’t.
All I do is lie down, my eyes wide open staring into an empty space and during those moment I do not exist. All I do is close my eyes, trying hard to recall or dream of some happy memories to help me live another day. I can’t.
No matter how hard it is for me to accept it, I know that this is my #depressionrelapse
This is not a confession. I simply want to tell people who experience similar things to know that they aren’t alone. I am trying. You can too. Its hard. Its tough. But i am still here. You are too.
Hold my hand. If you won’t let go…I won’t either. I promise.
“She was brave and strong and broken all at once.” — Anna Funder