Shackled feathers

“She was made of glitters.
But glitters that no more shine. She has been trapped in so much darkness that there is no light.” [….click to read the full post]

She was made of glitters.

But glitters that no more shine.

 
She has been trapped in so much darkness that there is no light.
No light to escape enough to reflect and shine.
 
Her spine was made for wings.
But the wings that no more remember how to fly.
For they have been closed and shackled for long.
Long enough that they are numb no matter how much she tried.
 
She had an itch inside her heart;
An itch to feel her feathers, to feel the wind touching against her cheeks.
An itch to swim in the clouds, to smoke the cold mist.
 
She is longing to take flight, and escape the walls that surround her.
But alas! her feet are bound by chains of the anchor,
that is lying inside the deep bed of a tempestuous ocean.
And no one dares to dive in and pull it back.
 
For she is tired she drops down on her knees.
A sob escapes her throat,
 

A teardrop is set free.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal Nov 26, 2015 | 03:59 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Trapped

Time : 06:09 a.m. I haven’t slept. Yet again. It has been months. And for months I have kept it to myself. Myself all along. I have night terrors since more than a year now, If I ever fall asleep i wake up frequently screaming, shaking, gasping for air, shocked, paralyzed or simply  praying. And quietly go back to sleep holding myself tight.

I can’t function. I can’t get myself to fall asleep. I can’t get myself to talk to someone, or do ordinary mundane things like get ready, or do house chores or even use my laptop. I can’t get myself to answer a call or open my inbox to read messages. I simply look at my phone screen till it turns dark and I put it aside. I can’t get myself to accept the fact that ringtones & message tones are giving me anxiety. I can’t get myself to put on a good cloth, some makeup, step outside & walk in an open space. I can’t get my body to do things that my mind asks me to. I can’t get my mind to function when I need my body to move. I can’t. 

I can’t breathe. I am sinking and I can’t get myself to move my body to swim and stay afloat no matter how much internally I scream with frustration. Instead I just sit there & stare in the blank space while the anchor pulls me deeper and deeper into oblivion.  I feel numb and in anguish at the same time. I feel choked and drowning at the same time. It is as if I am a prisoner inside my own body. I am trapped. I am tired. I can’t function. I can’t. 

I feel empty. It is exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I can’t. 

All I do is lie down, my eyes wide open staring into an empty space and during those moment I do not exist. All I do is close my eyes, trying hard to recall or dream of some happy memories to help me live another day. I can’t. 

No matter how hard it is for me to accept it, I know that this is my #depressionrelapse

This is not a confession. I simply want to tell people who experience similar things to know that they aren’t alone. I am trying. You can too. Its hard. Its tough. But i am still here. You are too.

Hold my hand. If you won’t let go…I won’t either. I promise. 

“She was brave and strong and broken all at once.” —  Anna Funder

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Oct 12, 2017 | 06:09 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved