Shackled feathers

“She was made of glitters.
But glitters that no more shine. She has been trapped in so much darkness that there is no light.” [….click to read the full post]

She was made of glitters.

But glitters that no more shine.

 
She has been trapped in so much darkness that there is no light.
No light to escape enough to reflect and shine.
 
Her spine was made for wings.
But the wings that no more remember how to fly.
For they have been closed and shackled for long.
Long enough that they are numb no matter how much she tried.
 
She had an itch inside her heart;
An itch to feel her feathers, to feel the wind touching against her cheeks.
An itch to swim in the clouds, to smoke the cold mist.
 
She is longing to take flight, and escape the walls that surround her.
But alas! her feet are bound by chains of the anchor,
that is lying inside the deep bed of a tempestuous ocean.
And no one dares to dive in and pull it back.
 
For she is tired she drops down on her knees.
A sob escapes her throat,
 

A teardrop is set free.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal Nov 26, 2015 | 03:59 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

My Screams

“I will keep knocking till your ears bleed and you tear me apart.” [….click to read the full post]

Image attributes: © Fiona Crystal | IG: @fionadiaries

Put me out of this misery.
Turn that knife inside my heart and kill me.

Kill me.
Kill me and burn my existence.

My soul screams and withers.
My body is soaked with tears.
And my heart wails.

I want my wings back.

I will knock at your door.
And then you can judge me.
Just like everyone else did.

You either take pity of my miseries and grant me heaven.
Give me back my wings.

You either count my sins and throw me down in hell.
Let those demons torture me.

I will stand at your gate.
I will knock and knock.
I will knock till you ears bleed.

You act deaf when I cry your name for help.
I will keep knocking till your ears bleed and you tear me apart.

My soul screams and withers.
My body is soaked with tears.
And my heart wails.

I want my wings back!

Put me out of this misery.
Turn that knife inside my heart and kill me.

Kill me.
Kill me and burn my existence.

Because I can’t take it anymore.

“I will fade into the ice cold mist of stardust.
I will make my own wings.
I will float around in this never ending universe freely.
I will bring light. I will shine bright.”

Image result for god

Are you are just a myth?
Is there no heaven or hell?

I will just run this knife on my wrist.
I will paint myself red.

Dead.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal July 11, 2016 | 12:56 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Suicidal Mama And The Unkind Society

“Aah! the joys and beauty of motherhood!! But what about the struggles and the ugly reality that a lot of women experience? We should talk about that too.” [….click to read the full post]

NOTE: This is a suicide awareness post. If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the suicide crisis lines in your country here: List of suicide crisis lines.

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and today (Sept 10) is International Suicide Prevention Awareness Day. And I wanted to take this time to talk about a group we often forget to include when we discuss the problem of suicide and about mental health — MOTHERS.

Mostly because Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Psychosis and the subsequent Suicidal Tendencies are topics that people want to stay as far away as possible. Instead, we prefer to think that motherhood (especially for new mothers) is a bed of roses and that mothers can’t possibly be sad, let alone — suicidal — because they have a beautiful child and so much to be happy about! Isn’t it? And we prefer not to break that warm bubble of ours.

Aah! the joys and beauty of motherhood!! But what about the struggles and the ugly reality that a lot of women experience? We should talk about that too.

As a society, we like to think that we celebrate motherhood and mothers. We like to think of them as Goddesses that have to be perfect, but the Goddesses that we are unkind to. There are so many things that are problematic with us, as a society, and how we treat mothers. Especially mothers struggling with mental and physical health post-childbirth. We simply let women go through it all alone and we constantly judge them if they stumble.  We do not run to pick them up, instead, we run to mock them!

We aren’t appreciative enough of the mental, emotional and physical struggles that mothers go through while raising the child(ren). It is even worse if the woman suffers from mental health issues like depression, postpartum depression/psychosis, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc. We more often than not — as a family and society — assume that they will automatically know it all, and are automatically wired to bond with the child and experience maternal feelings. That she can and should balance her individual life, motherhood and work all by herself.

We put the new mother on the road to failure by putting them on a pedestal and assume she will automatically have everything under control. And in case she doesn’t, then she is a bad mother!

In reality, we force her to struggle to attain an unrealistic image of a woman in society, and an unrealistic image of a mother that she should have all things in control. And when she struggles to do so…we fail to support her, we proceed to shame her. We discard our duty as a family and as a society to help her.

A lot of time we force women to bear a child – against her will • despite her being mentally, emotionally and physically not ready — to take on that responsibility. We force her to become a mother and shame her for not wanting to become one. We coerce her to do something so drastic that will forever change not only her life but also her mental and physical state for the worse in case she isn’t ready for it. And we validate our bullying sexist behavior by calling it ‘looking out for the family.’ However, who is looking out for the woman who is forced to become mama even when they aren’t prepared? Who is even looking out for the woman who happily becomes a mama and then discovers how unprepared she is?


We are mere mortal human beings and while we continue to mistreat our women or leave them to struggle on their own, especially as mothers — we also assume them to be perfect Goddesses. But a Goddess that everyone abandons, and disrespects; yet is to continue performing her duties.

What we need is to take a pause, take off our rose-colored glasses and understand the reality and struggles of mothers, and help them as a society… instead of leaving them to struggle on their own between suicidal thoughts and handling a baby. Because let’s be real, raising a child isn’t easy, nor it is possible to have everything under control when it comes to motherhood. The mental, emotional and physical toll it takes on the woman is a harsh reality we need to understand sooner — we owe it to our women and mothers. And it is time to discard the shame out of mental illnesses and encourage people to seek help.

Because, people who struggle with mental health issues eventually breakdown when things get too much, and when a child is involved – the stakes are higher, the situation is much more precarious and is even a more dangerous situation — for both the mother and her child.

The truth is that women who already suffer from one or multiple mental health conditions (including suicidal tendencies) they all run an almost certain risk of struggling and suffering mentally post-childbirth and while raising the child. And the sooner we understand this and accept this truth, instead of forcing an unreal image of a mother who has it all under control, the better it is for us as a society to help our mamas heal. It will even destigmatize seeking help by mothers when they need it.

I read this beautiful and heartbreaking piece by Meghan Hart  in her post: To the Suicidal Mama Fighting to Stay Alive for Her Kids
She wrote Fellow Mama, I see you lying there in bed, trying to will yourself to get up. I know some part of you might wish you hadn’t woken up this morning – that you could fade away into nothingness because it seems a hell of a lot better than dealing with the demons you fight off daily in your head. I recognize that question in your eyes: “Is this life really worth all the effort?”

And she concluded it perfectly by writing “I see you, mama, fighting against all odds because your children need you. I see you struggle and I see you persevere because there is nothing more powerful than your will to protect your kids. They don’t know it yet, but their mom is a warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love. Yes, people may judge you because you haven’t changed your clothes in three days or they hear you crying to yourself in the bathroom stall or they disagree with the way you parent your kids, but I’m here to tell you, none of that matters. It doesn’t matter because you showed up and you loved your kids and that’s enough. Let that be enough“.

Yes, let that be enough.
Others can judge you mama, but they do not know the invisible fight you win daily. And they probably will never know or understand. But if you are reading this and are struggling with suicidal thoughts It is okay to feel this way.
The fact that you fight it and carry on living through it all makes you much stronger than you might feel on most days. But you are. You are strong, amazing and badass. And I see it and your child will see it too, when they are older enough to understand. They will learn from the strength that their mama displayed daily and the unconditional love that you give them with every beating of your heart. They will learn from your perseverance.

Whenever you feel that you aren’t enough, remember that we aren’t supposed to be perfect, we aren’t supposed to have our shit figured out all the time. We are only human after all.

And so I am grateful to my mother and every other woman who suffers from mental health issues and struggles daily, yet continues to exist and survive for the sake of their children. I am sorry that this society continues to fail you, but don’t be ashamed to seek help and therapy. Don’t be ashamed of feeling what you are feeling. And it is okay to struggle… some days more than the other. But hang in there!

Because, mama, you are a freaking badass warrior.

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Sep 10, 2019 | 11:24 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.” — This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. [….click to read the full post]

 

 

Before you begin, have you read part 1 of this article yet? It might help you understand this piece even better! ‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP — Part 1: HURTING

The article mentioned above is a raw piece about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.


July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM

‘I AM ENOUGH’ — Part 2: HEALING

This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering.

So many times I have heard that I am not enough. That I will never be enough.
I have heard that I am broken, that I am broken beyond repair, and that no one will accept me for who I am.
It has been countless times that I have been told that I will never truly be loved. That I am not worthy of love.
I have lost track of the number of times I have been told that I have no worth. That I deserve to be treated in all the bad ways because I refuse to back down and stay silent. That I am not worthy of respect.

I have lost count of the number of times I have wanted to give up because the pain never seems to stop. It feels like a wound so deep, it is too far gone to be ever healed. And most days than not I let myself feel that defeat, especially when those pain and nightmares haunt me and hurt me in all the horrible ways! They come in waves and hit me the hardest and pull me under and drown me. And I feel too tired to even try to stay afloat and breathe. Because even breathing seems like a hell lot of work! I just want the pain and humiliation to end.

And yet a soft whisper inside of me keeps reminding me that…

“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.”

It will. It has to, right?

This pain, and being constantly thrown against the tide, and surviving every single time no matter how tired I feel will matter.  I will make sure it does. And finally, there will come a day when I thump my chest and give out my battle cry, and scare all monsters away. No nightmares will ever scare me.

Creatures like us shouldn’t be scared of nights. We are the daughters of the moon, after all, we evolve in all the phases and we revolve and never stop moving forward! We are light and dark, full and none and everything in between. No man can hold us in their palm, they can only cover their eyes as they are scared of us shining brighter than them. Do as you please, revolve around your axis. You are a force to be revered and loved. Let no one ever tell you that you are less than that.

And one day— 

  • Some shall call me ‘a witch’ and fear me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a Goddess’ and worship me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a mother’ and learn from me.
  • And some shall call me ‘a mystical wild thing’ and will be forever entranced.

However, only I would know the rollercoaster journey and the experiences that took me to finally be all of it and some more! — Let this be our little secret, and let us heal all our soul wounds. I am not alone, You are not alone. This universe connects us, and so you siphon my courage, and I will siphon yours, till we are stronger enough to not be scared of our nightmares and monsters again.

We are enough — always were, and always will be. 

XOXO

© Fiona Crystal July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP — Part 1: HURTING

“Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess. Wake me up from this nightmare. My mind is going insane!” — This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. [….click to read the full post]

TRIGGER WARNING:  for DV/SV/Abuse victim and survivors + individuals who are battling mental health issues.

  • This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.
  • You matter. You are loved. Please never hesitate to seek help. xoxo

Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM

‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING

 

I close my eyes and drift off
I see darkness everywhere ..deep valleys
Standing alone…

I am in the middle of nowhere.

Then I feel it! That sharp pain in my heart.
That moment when it is like the life has been sucked out of your body.
When you are so shocked and surprised, angry and broken at the same time.
Like you just got a sucker punch and you are now lying on the ground.
That moment when life seems meaningless.
When you want to live, and yet you think of all the possible ways to end it!
I can feel these painful feelings now.

Love what is it?
It is a big bullshit. I am done. I am over it.
It is a fool’s game that people play to use each other.
Love what is it; if not a deadly weapon that people use to knock the air inside of you and choke you.

When all you have done is constantly tried Tried hard to be a better person. Tried. Tried. Tried. Tried. And yet somehow, it doesn’t matter. It is never enough. No matter what you do. It is never going to be enough. Never.
You have made mistakes. And people are going to remind you of it every single day. They are going to kill your peace with every ticking of the clock.
But you have no right to get hurt. You have to bear all the physical and emotional pain. Rude words and abuse. And you have to be silent, listen to it every day. Because if you say anything then they will get hurt. Oh! the irony!!
You…yes I am talking to you you don’t get hurt. your tears are useless. You are not a human after all. Your emotions do not matter. Your tears will never matter, and neither will you.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Someone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

You have no right to be a better person. I repeat no right.
Why didn’t you just leave? You fool. Why did you try? Why do you keep salvaging that which can’t be saved anymore? The broken pieces and the damaged cores keep cutting you deeper, bleeding you, hurting you.

What did you get out of it?

They talk about love and getting old. They talk about every romantic thing in the world but then you realize they are only there for your physical aspects. They are only there to use you. Use you until you are empty. Hollow.

Then they will blame you for being hollow too!
And you give them your mind, your happiness every inch of your soul. Yet still, that is not enough.

Nothing will ever be enough. You will never be enough. They want your physical being and when they won’t get it anymore. They want your mental peace, they want your soul. Or else they will go, they walk away and still blame you. They will complain about your existence. They will complain that you don’t change as per their wishes, even when you keep changing until you do not recognize the person that you see in the mirror. And when they have no more excuses left to drag you down, degrade you and complain, they will threaten you with walking away. You will be the bad guy. No matter what you do. No matter what they have done to you! You will still be the bad guy.

You mend a broken relationship for the person you love, who has promised to be with you but at the best possible opportunity, they leave. Or they constantly remind you that they want to. Oh! they can’t even stand your sight, yet still, claim they sacrifice so much to be part of your life.
And you are the one who is bad.

Other people don’t make mistakes. They do not make mistakes. They do you a favor. 

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Anyone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

Shake off your little feathers dear girl. Shake it off!

Because with whom you made plans every day to fly away with, made plans for a better future together has left you in despair. You have been used, you fool! And now when they can’t use you anymore they have broken all promises. They manipulated you, told you lies, showed you false dreams, made you cry and hurt you. Abandoned you in a time when you are helpless and alone when you are too weak to survive alone.

  • When you try to leave the mess you are an abomination.
    When they do it they are doing you a favor.

Yes, you have made your share of mistakes. But you accept it and you live with that choice every day. You are human. You are trying every day trying to be a better person. Yet it is never enough. Is it? And will it ever be enough?

They can abuse you, even hit you every day. They can even manipulate you sexually and psychologically. But it is your mistake to tell them to stop. It is your mistake to put your foot down, and scream that you are not going to take it anymore.
What right you have?
How can you? How dare you?
Writhe in pain and die you fool.

  • Doesn’t matter; I tell you, your pain doesn’t matter.
    They will remind you about it every day.

But you have to be quiet. Just shut up and listen.
Shake off your pretty little feathers I tell you! For you belong to this hell and you are not going anywhere.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Is anyone listening?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

What have I done? All I did was try! And it doesn’t matter to anyone.

Just break down and cry.
The tears are your only escape.
Your smiles are all lies.
Drag the blade across your skin.
Don’t scream outjust die.
No one is here to listen.

Wait…what? I am awake! This is no dream
This can’t be happening?
Oh! I am just going crazy.
I can feel the thumping of my heart. It is deafening.

Oh! my heart is shattered beyond repair!
I cry tears of blood.
Broken pieces of my wings are scattered everywhere.

You are happily watching me cry?
Oh! May you live long. Really long and watch me die. Hope that will make you happy, brings back your smile. Finally, you will find peace inside you sick twisted dead haunting mind.

Or maybe…just maybe Karma will finally catch up to you and drag you to hell. I am already there and I have made friends with the devil because the angels don’t care for my soul anymore. And when you are here with me, I too shall laugh when I see you finally break down and scream. Bloodcurdling screams. The likes of which that bleed your insides the kind my soul screams every moment, every single time.

‘I AM ENOUGH’ — Part 2: HEALING.  This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships and negative situations in life. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

XOXO

© Fiona Crystal Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Demons

“New year. Same me. Same dreams. Same demons continue to haunt me.” [….click to read the full post]

The never-ending cycle of being acutely aware of all the demons that make our mind and life their very personal home.
And they chomp off us like parasites.
Bit by bit.

We constantly try to shake ’em off, run away, fight ’em off, ignore and try to do god knows what.
But they are never gone. Not really.

We act like everything is okay.
But in reality, a lot of us are ducks.
Calm on the above.
Yet from the inside, we are viciously paddling our way through life.
Trying to stay afloat.
Scared as fuck!

It is bloody exhausting!
Same BS day in – day out.
Day in. Day out.
Every passing moment.
Every single day.
Every single week.
Every single month.

Some days are —
“STOP THE WORLD. I WANT TO GET OFF” — days.
This is one of those days for not just me,
but a lot of us too.

However, why be ashamed of our struggles?
Why hide? Why not wear it proudly!!
Do you know how fucking hard it is to bear that kind of burden and yet show such perseverance?
Sometimes life is a total fuck up.
And that is okay.

I am tired.
Yet I want to cling on to hope.
At least I am trying.
And so are you.♡

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal March 29, 2019 | 10:22 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved