TRIGGER WARNING:  for DV/SV/Abuse victim and survivors + individuals who are battling mental health issues.

• This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.
• You matter. You are loved. Please never hesitate to seek help. xoxo

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Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM

‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING

 

I close my eyes and drift off
I see darkness everywhere ..deep valleys
Standing alone…

I am in the middle of nowhere.

Then I feel it! That sharp pain in my heart.
That moment when it is like the life has been sucked out of your body.
When you are so shocked and surprised, angry and broken at the same time.
Like you just got a sucker punch and you are now lying on the ground.
That moment when life seems meaningless.
When you want to live, and yet you think of all the possible ways to end it!
I can feel these painful feelings now.

Love — what is it?
It is a big bullshit. I am done. I am over it.
It is a fool’s game that people play to use each other.
Love — what is it; if not a deadly weapon that people use to knock the air inside of you and choke you.

When all you have done is constantly tried —Tried hard to be a better person. Tried. Tried. Tried. Tried. And yet somehow, it doesn’t matter. It is never enough. No matter what you do. It is never going to be enough. Never.
You have made mistakes. And people are going to remind you of it every single day. They are going to kill your peace with every ticking of the clock.
But you have no right to get hurt. You have to bear all the physical and emotional pain. Rude words and abuse. And you have to be silent, listen to it every day. Because if you say anything then they will get hurt. Oh! the irony!!
You…yes I am talking to you — you don’t get hurt. your tears are useless. You are not a human after all. Your emotions do not matter. Your tears will never matter, and neither will you.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Someone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

You have no right to be a better person. I repeat — no right.
Why didn’t you just leave? You fool. Why did you try? Why do you keep salvaging that which can’t be saved anymore? The broken pieces and the damaged cores keep cutting you deeper, bleeding you, hurting you.

What did you get out of it?

They talk about love and getting old. They talk about every romantic thing in the world but then you realize they are only there for your physical aspects. They are only there to use you. Use you until you are empty. Hollow.

Then they will blame you for being hollow too!
And you give them your mind, your happiness — every inch of your soul. Yet still, that is not enough.

Nothing will ever be enough. You will never be enough. They want your physical being and when they won’t get it anymore. They want your mental peace, they want your soul. Or else they will go, they walk away and still blame you. They will complain about your existence. They will complain that you don’t change as per their wishes, even when you keep changing until you do not recognize the person that you see in the mirror. And when they have no more excuses left to drag you down, degrade you and complain, they will threaten you with walking away. You will be the bad guy. No matter what you do. No matter what they have done to you! You will still be the bad guy.

You mend a broken relationship for the person you love, who has promised to be with you but at the best possible opportunity, they leave. Or they constantly remind you that they want to. Oh! they can’t even stand your sight, yet still, claim they sacrifice so much to be part of your life.
And you are the one who is bad.

Other people don’t make mistakes. They do not make mistakes. They do you a favor. 

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Anyone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

Shake off your little feathers dear girl. Shake it off!

Because with whom you made plans every day to fly away with, made plans for a better future together has left you in despair. You have been used, you fool! And now when they can’t use you anymore — they have broken all promises. They manipulated you, told you lies, showed you false dreams, made you cry and hurt you. Abandoned you in a time when you are helpless and alone — when you are too weak to survive alone.

• When you try to leave the mess — you are an abomination.
  When they do it — they are doing you a favor.

Yes, you have made your share of mistakes. But you accept it and you live with that choice every day. You are human. You are trying every day — trying to be a better person. Yet it is never enough. Is it? And will it ever be enough?

They can abuse you, even hit you every day. They can even manipulate you sexually and psychologically. But it is your mistake to tell them to stop. It is your mistake to put your foot down, and scream that — you are not going to take it anymore.
What right you have?
How can you? How dare you?
Writhe in pain and die you fool.

• Doesn’t matter; I tell you, your pain doesn’t matter.
  They will remind you about it every day.

But you have to be quiet. Just shut up and listen.
Shake off your pretty little feathers I tell you! For you belong to this hell and you are not going anywhere.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Is anyone listening?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

What have I done? All I did was try! And it doesn’t matter to anyone.

Just break down and cry.
The tears are your only escape.
Your smiles are all lies.
Drag the blade across your skin.
Don’t scream out — just die.
No one is here to listen.

Wait…what? I am awake! This is no dream
This can’t be happening?
Oh! I am just going crazy.
I can feel the thumping of my heart. It is deafening.

Oh! my heart is shattered beyond repair!
I cry tears of blood.
Broken pieces of my wings are scattered everywhere.

You are happily watching me cry?
Oh! May you live long. Really long and watch me die. Hope that will make you happy, brings back your smile. Finally, you will find peace inside you sick twisted dead haunting mind.

Or maybe…just maybe Karma will finally catch up to you and drag you to hell. I am already there and I have made friends with the devil because the angels don’t care for my soul anymore. And when you are here with me, I too shall laugh when I see you finally break down and scream. Bloodcurdling screams. The likes of which that bleed your insides — the kind my soul screams every moment, every single time.

‘I AM ENOUGH’ — Part 2: HEALING.  This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships and negative situations in life. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

♡ XOXO ♡

© Fiona Crystal • Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved