My Wings

“They took my wings away. They took it off my spine and sent me here.” [….click to read the full post]

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They took my wings away.
They took it off my spine and sent me here.
They were afraid that I would break the rules.
That I will fly in front of the mortals.
And then everyone would know!
Everyone would know that beings like us are real.
They were afraid of my impulse.

They despised my heaven filled soul — that could even see goodness in demons.

They were afraid of the depths of my mind — that could reach even the darkness in the Gods.

I was one of their different kind.
My feathers would turn black from white, and white from black in no time.
Faith would rush through my soul and fill my every star dust.
My prayers to our lord, would echo through the million skies.
Passion would flow through my veins.
And the thumping of my heart would deafen their ears.
I was Yin and Yang.
I was a devil and an angel.
I was their darkness and their light at the same time.
So they snatched my wings away and dropped me down.
And here I am free falling.
Still trying to make myself ready for the hit on my body and heart.

I am scared.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal Feb 18, 2019 | 06:05 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

The Perfect Trance

“How can two different being dance in one perfect rhythm and become one single perfect being in existence!” [….click to read the full post]

It is like the most natural thing in the world for me…
To look into each other’s mind with just our eyes — our souls mating.
To feel your skin rubbing against mine — our bodies touching.
Your lips on me — our mouths kissing.
And your length inside of me — completing me.
You kiss me and I turn into a lava of molten hot liquid.
My legs turns into jelly.
My heart thumping in my ears.
My breath fastens.
And a moan escapes my throat.

How can two different being dance in one perfect rhythm and become one single perfect being in existence!

Devour each other like two eternally hungry beings.
Wild and sweet.
Fast and slow.
Bite and blow soft kisses.
I have been waiting for you since eternity.

Love me into exhaustion.

Let my heart beat accelerate, and my soul burst into bazillion particles of light.
Lift me up to the sky and make me see heaven.
Let the word around me fade in a mistful haze.
Let me feel that absolute bliss.
And let that happy tear escape down my eye.
Darling, love me into perfect trance.

Love me and don’t stop.

Because baby you feel like — Nirvana

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal Dec 09, 2015 | 07:11 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Your Tribe’s Alpha

I am not here to talk about heartbreaks today. I am not here to talk about being lonely. No. I am here to tell you about a sweet little girl still living inside of you…

I am not here to talk about heartbreaks today. I am not here to talk about being lonely. No.

I am here to tell you that there is a sweet little girl still living inside of you. And when you are going through a hard time she gets really scared!

You hear me out when I say this loud : On the days when the going gets tough…pick that little girl up and let your heart break for the things she couldn’t fathom yet, but eventually went through one day.

And let your hands thump over your chest for the warrior that too lives inside of you.

You are a cluster of souls. Each one representing different you, in different phases of your life. You are a universe of your own.

So, hold the hand of the warrior that has fought for this little girl at every point, protecting her every time.

And then repeat after me :

“You precious little girl! I know you are afraid but you are also a fierce warrior on your own. You will get through this. You have to. Even when no one loves you, I will love you. I always will. Don’t be afraid sweet child of mine, you are never alone.

Hush! and let those tears shed. Because those tears are your battle paint. Let it stain your cheeks and break your heart. And when the morning arrives…that broken heart will be much stronger this time.”

Be kind to yourself and be proud. Let no one spoil you vibe.
You are the alpha in your own right. You are your own tribe. ♡

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal April 13, 2018 | 6:58 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Trapped

Time : 06:09 a.m. I haven’t slept. Yet again. It has been months. And for months I have kept it to myself. Myself all along. I have night terrors since more than a year now, If I ever fall asleep i wake up frequently screaming, shaking, gasping for air, shocked, paralyzed or simply  praying. And quietly go back to sleep holding myself tight.

I can’t function. I can’t get myself to fall asleep. I can’t get myself to talk to someone, or do ordinary mundane things like get ready, or do house chores or even use my laptop. I can’t get myself to answer a call or open my inbox to read messages. I simply look at my phone screen till it turns dark and I put it aside. I can’t get myself to accept the fact that ringtones & message tones are giving me anxiety. I can’t get myself to put on a good cloth, some makeup, step outside & walk in an open space. I can’t get my body to do things that my mind asks me to. I can’t get my mind to function when I need my body to move. I can’t. 

I can’t breathe. I am sinking and I can’t get myself to move my body to swim and stay afloat no matter how much internally I scream with frustration. Instead I just sit there & stare in the blank space while the anchor pulls me deeper and deeper into oblivion.  I feel numb and in anguish at the same time. I feel choked and drowning at the same time. It is as if I am a prisoner inside my own body. I am trapped. I am tired. I can’t function. I can’t. 

I feel empty. It is exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I can’t. 

All I do is lie down, my eyes wide open staring into an empty space and during those moment I do not exist. All I do is close my eyes, trying hard to recall or dream of some happy memories to help me live another day. I can’t. 

No matter how hard it is for me to accept it, I know that this is my #depressionrelapse

This is not a confession. I simply want to tell people who experience similar things to know that they aren’t alone. I am trying. You can too. Its hard. Its tough. But i am still here. You are too.

Hold my hand. If you won’t let go…I won’t either. I promise. 

“She was brave and strong and broken all at once.” —  Anna Funder

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Oct 12, 2017 | 06:09 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Relentless scars

“It could have been worse. It can still turn worse.”

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You never know…
You never know when a new scar will appear on your skin and will stain it forever.
It will change the texture of your skin and the nerves inside it.
It will change you and you will slowly realize that you are not the same person anymore.

Future is unknown and this misery will end, the scar will heal and then you will learn to live with it and will eventually forget about it.

And then you will get hurt again.

A new wound will appear over that scar.
And then you will realize…
Maybe that old scar was not that bad after all.

Let’s be grateful to the universe for all that we are left with. It could have been worse. 

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal March 16, 2016 | 6:42 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Losing Grip

My soul is howling. The shattering of my heart is deafening my ears. 

Its hurting. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.. Everything hurts.. Everything.

My chest.. My chest…
I am suffocating. I can’t breathe. My lungs are collapsing or bursting. I do not know but it feels like a freaking big stone sitting on top of me. It hurts…
Everything hurts.

Aaaah! My heart..My heart is breaking into bazillion pieces and every piece is cutting through my chest. It hurts.. Everything hurts.

My eyes… My eyes…
Tears are making my eyes blurry. I cannot see. I can’t stop them from falling down my cheek that is flushed so red with embarrassment of getting weak. A sob escapes my throat. It hurts..
Everything hurts.

My legs.. My legs…
I cannot stand. My legs are turning into jelly. I am losing grip from reality. Oh! do not drag me down to the floor. I am shaking and sobbing. It hurts..
Everything hurts.

My mind… My mind
My brain will burst! I am a ticking time bomb. It is taking me to the highest building and telling me to jump. And fall. And die. Why!
It hurts..
Everything hurts.

How do I make this pain stop? My eyes are filled with tears and my heart is bleeding. My legs have no longer the strength to carry me ahead and my chest is pounding. My soul is howling. The shattering of my heart is deafening my ears. And my brain is telling me to jump.

Will the death of this body make the pain of my soul go numb?

It’s hurting. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.. Everything hurts.. Everything.

And right now all I want is an end to this pain. Because this hurting is making me insane. So turn off the lights. Let me sob on my pillow and wet it with my tears. Let me drown in this sorrow. Let me cry myself to sleep.
Sing me a lullaby. Because I am losing grip.

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal March 03, 2016 | 3:30 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved