Marriage: Reclaiming My Choice

“Why is this so important? My marriage? If a person is mentally not ready to…” [click to read the full post]

20200115_073531_0000.png

Why is this so important?
My marriage?

If a person is mentally not ready to get married then why torture them with constant queries?
If they are mentally not prepared then is it right for them to marry just because ‘the clock is ticking’ ?

It is better to be miserable and sip wine alone and read a book, or go party wearing ‘outrageous‘ clothes. It’s better to do that rather than being miserable and cooking chapatis for a family you are just not able to mentally adjust to or to go and sleep with your new spouse even if you are not mentally and emotionally comfortable with them.

And where does this constant string of questions end??
First, do you have a lover, a partner?
Next, when are you getting married?
Then comes more questions!
When are you having a baby?
Then when you have one:
When are you having another baby?
“Your child needs a sibling to play with.”

It never stops.
The questions keep on coming and they never stop.
The questions change.
But never Stop.

Why! I am a human.
It is my life.
I do not want to marry. Ever.
Or just as of now —  

I am not ready.

So what I will hit ‘expiration‘ soon or someday.
Maybe I do not want to have a child.
Maybe I am afraid of not being capable enough to raise a child in this world of chaos.
Maybe I will get my eggs frozen so when I am ready I can have one. Maybe I will just adopt a baby and give them a beautiful life.
Maybe I just do not want to be just another contributor to the earth’s burden of this ever so overflowing human population.

Maybe just maybe I am trying to find my path.

Maybe one day I will come across someone who will fall hopelessly in love with me, who will see the light seeping through the cracks of my body, the darkness clouding my mind.
The hopelessness is visible in my eyes. And the courage of my beating heart fighting all the odds that should have broken me.
Maybe they will hold my hand and will walk along with me on this journey.

Maybe just maybe, when I would find them, I would find myself. Or maybe when I finally find myself again, my heart will lead to them.
And whatever it might be…maybe they will have courage enough to leave the entire chaos of this world behind, build a home with me on the peak of a snow-covered mountain, and hold me while we look together at the rising sun.
Maybe.
And I am just not ready to stop believing that yet.
No matter what anyone has to say.
It is my life.
And I will either live it or die on my terms if I realize that I failed.

But at least I would never regret that I tried.

I am reclaiming my choice. 

Society, judgments and emotional blackmails be damned.

~Just another Girl. XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal June 09, 2016 | 01:00 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Trapped

Time : 06:09 a.m. I haven’t slept. Yet again. It has been months. And for months I have kept it to myself. Myself all along. I have night terrors since more than a year now, If I ever fall asleep i wake up frequently screaming, shaking, gasping for air, shocked, paralyzed or simply  praying. And quietly go back to sleep holding myself tight.

I can’t function. I can’t get myself to fall asleep. I can’t get myself to talk to someone, or do ordinary mundane things like get ready, or do house chores or even use my laptop. I can’t get myself to answer a call or open my inbox to read messages. I simply look at my phone screen till it turns dark and I put it aside. I can’t get myself to accept the fact that ringtones & message tones are giving me anxiety. I can’t get myself to put on a good cloth, some makeup, step outside & walk in an open space. I can’t get my body to do things that my mind asks me to. I can’t get my mind to function when I need my body to move. I can’t. 

I can’t breathe. I am sinking and I can’t get myself to move my body to swim and stay afloat no matter how much internally I scream with frustration. Instead I just sit there & stare in the blank space while the anchor pulls me deeper and deeper into oblivion.  I feel numb and in anguish at the same time. I feel choked and drowning at the same time. It is as if I am a prisoner inside my own body. I am trapped. I am tired. I can’t function. I can’t. 

I feel empty. It is exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time. I can’t. 

All I do is lie down, my eyes wide open staring into an empty space and during those moment I do not exist. All I do is close my eyes, trying hard to recall or dream of some happy memories to help me live another day. I can’t. 

No matter how hard it is for me to accept it, I know that this is my #depressionrelapse

This is not a confession. I simply want to tell people who experience similar things to know that they aren’t alone. I am trying. You can too. Its hard. Its tough. But i am still here. You are too.

Hold my hand. If you won’t let go…I won’t either. I promise. 

“She was brave and strong and broken all at once.” —  Anna Funder

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Oct 12, 2017 | 06:09 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Universe within

“There is an entire universe inside of me. An entire universe waiting to be uncovered, the maps on my body waiting to be explored…”

There is an entire universe inside of me.

An entire universe waiting to be uncovered,

The maps on my body waiting to be explored. 

Come my love.

Come cover yourself with me.

Paint every inch of you with my star dusts and travel with me deeper.

Deeper.

Let me into you with each distance you take inside of me.

And with each distance…tear my space-time and rub pieces of your galaxies on it. 

Traverse me.

Drift within

Make yourself mine.

Until we are nothing but multiverse overlapping each other for the rest of eternity.

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Sept 17, 2017 | 02:51 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

What is the point?

What is the point of picking someone’s broken pieces, kissing their tears dry, making their heart whole…only to break it again. HARDER. CRUELER. 

What is the point of picking someone’s broken pieces, kissing their tears dry, making their heart whole…only to break it again. HARDER. CRUELER. 

…into bazillion pieces & watch it fade away into dust till there is nothing left but an empty space where their heart used to be.

What is the point of loving someone so much only to break their spine. Robbing them of everything that’s been keeping them alive?

What is the point? 

And at what cost! Will anything you would gain out of it enough, enough for you to find your piece of heaven while you walk on their ruins of hell. Which God exist that will forgive you for giving that mortal blow to their soul? NONE. Because isn’t love the most highest, purest, the powerful of all?

So, tell me…what is the point?

“As I would rather kill myself than hurt you. Because what is the point of loving someone if you break them apart and walk all over them!”

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Aug 04, 2017 | 5:01 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Yearnings

I yearn for you. Always.

I have lived thousands of years and died as many.

And yet the tugging at the heart that I feel !!
And the yearnings for your soul…

Never fades away.
NEVER.

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Jan 29, 2018 | 09:17 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved