Marriage: Reclaiming My Choice

Why is this so important?
My marriage?

If a person is mentally not ready to get married then why torture them with constant queries?
If they are mentally not prepared then is it right for them to marry just because ‘the clock is ticking’ ?

It is better to be miserable and sip wine alone and read a book, or go party wearing ‘outrageous‘ clothes. It’s better to do that rather than being miserable and cooking chapatis for a family you are just not able to mentally adjust to or to go and sleep with your new spouse even if you are not mentally and emotionally comfortable with them.

And where does this constant string of questions end??
First, do you have a lover, a partner?
Next, when are you getting married?
Then comes more questions!
When are you having a baby?
Then when you have one:
When are you having another baby?
“Your child needs a sibling to play with.”

It never stops.
The questions keep on coming and they never stop.
The questions change.
But never Stop.

Why! I am a human.
It is my life.
I do not want to marry. Ever.
Or just as of now —

I am not ready.

So what I will hit ‘expiration‘ soon or someday.
Maybe I do not want to have a child.
Maybe I am afraid of not being capable enough to raise a child in this world of chaos.
Maybe I will get my eggs frozen so when I am ready I can have one. Maybe I will just adopt a baby and give them a beautiful life.
Maybe I just do not want to be just another contributor to the earth’s burden of this ever so overflowing human population.

Maybe just maybe I am trying to find my path.

Maybe one day I will come across someone who will fall hopelessly in love with me, who will see the light seeping through the cracks of my body, the darkness clouding my mind.
The hopelessness is visible in my eyes. And the courage of my beating heart fighting all the odds that should have broken me.
Maybe they will hold my hand and will walk along with me on this journey.

Maybe just maybe, when I would find them, I would find myself. Or maybe when I finally find myself again, my heart will lead to them.
And whatever it might be…maybe they will have courage enough to leave the entire chaos of this world behind, build a home with me on the peak of a snow-covered mountain, and hold me while we look together at the rising sun.
Maybe.
And I am just not ready to stop believing that yet.
No matter what anyone has to say.
It is my life.
And I will either live it or die on my terms if I realize that I failed.