Marriage: Reclaiming My Choice

“Why is this so important? My marriage? If a person is mentally not ready to…” [click to read the full post]


Why is this so important?
My marriage?

If a person is mentally not ready to get married then why torture them with constant queries?
If they are mentally not prepared then is it right for them to marry just because ‘the clock is ticking’ ?

It is better to be miserable and sip wine alone and read a book, or go party wearing ‘outrageous‘ clothes. It’s better to do that rather than being miserable and cooking chapatis for a family you are just not able to mentally adjust to or to go and sleep with your new spouse even if you are not mentally and emotionally comfortable with them.

And where does this constant string of questions end??
First, do you have a lover, a partner?
Next, when are you getting married?
Then comes more questions!
When are you having a baby?
Then when you have one:
When are you having another baby?
“Your child needs a sibling to play with.”

It never stops.
The questions keep on coming and they never stop.
The questions change.
But never Stop.

Why! I am a human.
It is my life.
I do not want to marry. Ever.
Or just as of now —  

I am not ready.

So what I will hit ‘expiration‘ soon or someday.
Maybe I do not want to have a child.
Maybe I am afraid of not being capable enough to raise a child in this world of chaos.
Maybe I will get my eggs frozen so when I am ready I can have one. Maybe I will just adopt a baby and give them a beautiful life.
Maybe I just do not want to be just another contributor to the earth’s burden of this ever so overflowing human population.

Maybe just maybe I am trying to find my path.

Maybe one day I will come across someone who will fall hopelessly in love with me, who will see the light seeping through the cracks of my body, the darkness clouding my mind.
The hopelessness is visible in my eyes. And the courage of my beating heart fighting all the odds that should have broken me.
Maybe they will hold my hand and will walk along with me on this journey.

Maybe just maybe, when I would find them, I would find myself. Or maybe when I finally find myself again, my heart will lead to them.
And whatever it might be…maybe they will have courage enough to leave the entire chaos of this world behind, build a home with me on the peak of a snow-covered mountain, and hold me while we look together at the rising sun.
And I am just not ready to stop believing that yet.
No matter what anyone has to say.
It is my life.
And I will either live it or die on my terms if I realize that I failed.

But at least I would never regret that I tried.

I am reclaiming my choice. 

Society, judgments and emotional blackmails be damned.

~Just another Girl. XOXO ♡ 

© Fiona Crystal June 09, 2016 | 01:00 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Yes, we are not equal

“When someone is constantly running behind you with scissors to chop your wings off, you start to fly higher so that even their voice can’t reach you.: [….click to read the full post]

Image Attribute: Google (check image watermark)

Women are so stubborn and hell-bent to stand their ground because the society is constantly working against women.

— Always trying to strip us off of our authority, our dignity, our rights, our identity, our aspirations, our freedom. Even our simple wish to be left alone without interference from the world isn’t respected. What we wear, our marital status, how much we weight, what time we come home, who we bed etc blah blah blah….the list goes on. If the world constantly tries to control you, dictate you and judge you…you too would be ‘paranoid‘ and ‘defensive‘.

When someone is constantly running behind you with scissors to chop your wings off, you start to fly higher so that even their voice can’t reach you.

I am not coming down to hear what you got to say, because you never shut up and never pause to listen to what we have to say. I am not coming down only for you to chop my wings off. Those tricks won’t work anymore on our cold dead heart. We are fighters because we have to fight to get even the smallest of control over our own damn life. So, can you blame us for not smiling anymore?

When your only defense to support your dehumanization and subjugation of women is — “But we are stronger, and we protect you, we hunted for you.” — Well, congratulations!! you are a guard dog, not a leader. Leadership isn’t about physical strength. And talking about physical strength — You won’t survive even a quarter of pain that women go through, just physically, in our lifetime.

You say that we are always defensive and offended. If you too had to constantly defend your basic rights, your character, even your life…all the time, you would always be on edge as well. When we finally rage, don’t blame it on our periods to degrade us and call us crazy, we might start using that to our advantage. We know how to get rid of blood stains after all! You constantly ask us to prove our ‘femininity’. Who the hell are you to question us? We do not want your validation. You tell us that we want dominance over the world, replacing all the men. We don’t really. All we want is gender equity, but you know what? F*ck that!

Because finally, I know you were right.

We are not your equals, we are better than you. We are superior to you.

The birthers and nurtures of humanity will snatch their rights from you. No more demanding equality. No. Because anything you can do, we do it bleeding. We do it with hormones messing up our body and mind. We do it despite society constantly working against us.

We, the cis-women, the trans-women, the non-binary; we, the gender fluids, the intersex — anyone that identifies with some or all degree of femininitywe are better than you. You talk about femininity like it is a fragile thing or a weakness.

The truth is that femininity is the quality of nurturing and deeper connection with nature. It means greater emotional intelligence and better multitasking. Femininity is leadership. Feminity is helping society become compassionate, sensitive and thoughtful. Femininity is not a weakness. It is a strength. And those who think otherwise are scared that if women get true equality, we will treat men like they treat us. What they do not know is we have no interest in oppression. Women empower each other and we empower society. And that is precisely why women are superior human beings who shouldn’t limit themselves to begging for equality. Instead, we need to snatch what is ours and fight for the rights of minorities that are oppressed. You didn’t question your mama’s strength when she was going through all that pain to birth you. Did you? Now you call us weak? We aren’t. However, you sure are. Or you wouldn’t feel the constant need to pull us down, to feel better about yourself.

Women are superior to you. So, thank you for changing my mind. My cold dead heart doesn’t care about your fragile ego anymore. And one day, we shall finally achieve true gender equity. Until then, I am no more begging for equality. I am simply going to work hard to snatch our rights back from our oppressors, just like so many other amazing women. I will take back my rights, and then some more, multiplied by interests added up for at least a couple thousand years of Misogyny.

And to all those sexism enablers that are conditioned into internalized misogyny; all the complicit women who act ‘the devil’s advocate’ — (along with those who excuse their transphobia by denying the identity of trans-women and non-binary folks by reducing the femininity and womanhood to just physical reproductive organs and childbearing ability) — I have this wonderful article by Dina Ley for you to read. It is called: You Are Not Equal. I’m Sorry.

“Say thank you. Say thank you to the women who gave you a voice. Say thank you to the women who were arrested and imprisoned and beaten and gassed for you to have a voice. Say thank you to the women who refused to back down, to the women who fought tirelessly to give you a voice. Say thank you to the women who put their lives on hold, who –lucky for you — did not have “better things to do” than to march and protest and rally for your voice. So you don’t feel like a “second class citizen.” So you get to feel “equal.”

You can make your own choices, speak and be heard, vote, work, control your body, defend yourself, defend your family, because of the women who marched. You did nothing to earn those rights. You were born into those rights. You did nothing, but you reap the benefits of women, strong women, women who fought misogyny and pushed through patriarchy and fought for you. And you sit on your pedestal, a pedestal you are fortunate enough to have, and type. A keyboard warrior. A fighter for complacency. An acceptor of what you were given. A denier of facts. Wrapped up in your delusion of equality.”

While you blindly try to pull us all down with you — I will fight for your rights as well, just like all those wonderful women of our previous generations did. You are welcome!

And you know what? We shall also fight for men to spare them from the patriarchal notion and pressure of toxic masculinity. Because when you are a leader, you take everyone with you and ensure their well being. Even if that means looking out for the well being of those who are hell-bent on subjugating us and reducing us to lesser or no equal rights.

“For people who come from privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

Miley Cyrus – Mother’s Daughter (Official Video)


© Fiona Crystal Oct 13, 2019 | 11:19 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Angry Goddess

“It is alright to be angry. This is the time to rave with vexation. And scream.” [….click to read the full post]

Dear angry Women,
It is alright to be angry. About goddamn time! This is the time to rave with vexation. And scream…

Scream on top of your lungs, like a siren, so no one can drown your words, ever again.

Do you know why people are afraid of you and all your movements to empower women?

People are scared of your revolution, and your empowerment, because people are scared of angry Goddesses. Hell! Ask Indians. Ask the Greeks. They all know the havoc these Goddesses break when it gets too much, that they have to finally take matters in their own hand. They arrive when even the Gods have been defeated in saving humanity. They ascend to earth to slay the evil themselves. The anger consumes them, and rightfully so because how can you not feel that anger, after looking at all that trauma and pain within you and around you!!
So let me tell you this: Women, you got to be damn angry.
Make them shake from fear. Let them be so fearful that they need to re-evaluate their life choice and actions around women. Let them shake with fear and shame. Till they themselves who are guilty of that behavior and thought process end up making a list of ‘does and don’ts’ that will control their lives thereafter.
Because they have made the women live with the same fear and shame for centuries forcing us to stay quiet. They have forced the list of ‘Dos & Don’ts’ to parents of the baby girls that are born to restrict their lives, just to ensure their baby girl’s safety in this world of witch hunters. And this is the same list every woman knows of to faithfully follow to be safe.
So make them shake. Fill yourself with raving rage. Don’t feel any shame & guilt to finally ascend and take control of the narrative and this whole damn world. And laugh with ‘hysteria’ standing on the ruins of the fragile masculinity and complicit femininity. Go own that crazy ‘hysteria’ that the world has forever shamed you of suffering from.
Dear women, don’t stop being crazy fucking angry, till you restore the balance of this damn world.

Be that angry Goddess that frightens both Heaven and Hell.

Dear confused Men,
I know you feel a sense of fear right now. We want you to be acutely self-aware when you are alone with a woman. Because it is time for you to be vulnerable instead. We want you to re-evaluate your every move before you touch a woman before you crack that sexist joke before you even interact with us. And we want you to be on your self aware toes around us.
Welcome to the scary sexist land that women have been trying to barely survive in. In case of confusion, simply ask women. It is not so hard to navigate a world where women are treated as an equal human being that deserves the same level of respect and personal boundaries. We constantly tell you about boundaries, which you often hear as ‘nagging and complains’. All you need to do is quietly start to listen. And follow our lead for once.
We, the women, are really tired, and our toes hurt from walking on eggshells around you. I don’t see any good man being resentful or protesting. No man that is respectful towards women, is scared right now. No man. Because they understand consent.
And those of you who are offended by the idea of having to respect women’s personal boundaries and consent…well, you have outed your misogynist self. 


© Fiona Crystal Nov 16, 2018 | 10:13 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Suicidal Mama And The Unkind Society

“Aah! the joys and beauty of motherhood!! But what about the struggles and the ugly reality that a lot of women experience? We should talk about that too.” [….click to read the full post]

NOTE: This is a suicide awareness post. If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the suicide crisis lines in your country here: List of suicide crisis lines.

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, and today (Sept 10) is International Suicide Prevention Awareness Day. And I wanted to take this time to talk about a group we often forget to include when we discuss the problem of suicide and about mental health — MOTHERS.

Mostly because Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Psychosis and the subsequent Suicidal Tendencies are topics that people want to stay as far away as possible. Instead, we prefer to think that motherhood (especially for new mothers) is a bed of roses and that mothers can’t possibly be sad, let alone — suicidal — because they have a beautiful child and so much to be happy about! Isn’t it? And we prefer not to break that warm bubble of ours.

Aah! the joys and beauty of motherhood!! But what about the struggles and the ugly reality that a lot of women experience? We should talk about that too.

As a society, we like to think that we celebrate motherhood and mothers. We like to think of them as Goddesses that have to be perfect, but the Goddesses that we are unkind to. There are so many things that are problematic with us, as a society, and how we treat mothers. Especially mothers struggling with mental and physical health post-childbirth. We simply let women go through it all alone and we constantly judge them if they stumble.  We do not run to pick them up, instead, we run to mock them!

We aren’t appreciative enough of the mental, emotional and physical struggles that mothers go through while raising the child(ren). It is even worse if the woman suffers from mental health issues like depression, postpartum depression/psychosis, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, etc. We more often than not — as a family and society — assume that they will automatically know it all, and are automatically wired to bond with the child and experience maternal feelings. That she can and should balance her individual life, motherhood and work all by herself.

We put the new mother on the road to failure by putting them on a pedestal and assume she will automatically have everything under control. And in case she doesn’t, then she is a bad mother!

In reality, we force her to struggle to attain an unrealistic image of a woman in society, and an unrealistic image of a mother that she should have all things in control. And when she struggles to do so…we fail to support her, we proceed to shame her. We discard our duty as a family and as a society to help her.

A lot of time we force women to bear a child – against her will • despite her being mentally, emotionally and physically not ready — to take on that responsibility. We force her to become a mother and shame her for not wanting to become one. We coerce her to do something so drastic that will forever change not only her life but also her mental and physical state for the worse in case she isn’t ready for it. And we validate our bullying sexist behavior by calling it ‘looking out for the family.’ However, who is looking out for the woman who is forced to become mama even when they aren’t prepared? Who is even looking out for the woman who happily becomes a mama and then discovers how unprepared she is?

We are mere mortal human beings and while we continue to mistreat our women or leave them to struggle on their own, especially as mothers — we also assume them to be perfect Goddesses. But a Goddess that everyone abandons, and disrespects; yet is to continue performing her duties.

What we need is to take a pause, take off our rose-colored glasses and understand the reality and struggles of mothers, and help them as a society… instead of leaving them to struggle on their own between suicidal thoughts and handling a baby. Because let’s be real, raising a child isn’t easy, nor it is possible to have everything under control when it comes to motherhood. The mental, emotional and physical toll it takes on the woman is a harsh reality we need to understand sooner — we owe it to our women and mothers. And it is time to discard the shame out of mental illnesses and encourage people to seek help.

Because, people who struggle with mental health issues eventually breakdown when things get too much, and when a child is involved – the stakes are higher, the situation is much more precarious and is even a more dangerous situation — for both the mother and her child.

The truth is that women who already suffer from one or multiple mental health conditions (including suicidal tendencies) they all run an almost certain risk of struggling and suffering mentally post-childbirth and while raising the child. And the sooner we understand this and accept this truth, instead of forcing an unreal image of a mother who has it all under control, the better it is for us as a society to help our mamas heal. It will even destigmatize seeking help by mothers when they need it.

I read this beautiful and heartbreaking piece by Meghan Hart  in her post: To the Suicidal Mama Fighting to Stay Alive for Her Kids
She wrote Fellow Mama, I see you lying there in bed, trying to will yourself to get up. I know some part of you might wish you hadn’t woken up this morning – that you could fade away into nothingness because it seems a hell of a lot better than dealing with the demons you fight off daily in your head. I recognize that question in your eyes: “Is this life really worth all the effort?”

And she concluded it perfectly by writing “I see you, mama, fighting against all odds because your children need you. I see you struggle and I see you persevere because there is nothing more powerful than your will to protect your kids. They don’t know it yet, but their mom is a warrior, a queen, a saint, a testament to the unyielding power of love. Yes, people may judge you because you haven’t changed your clothes in three days or they hear you crying to yourself in the bathroom stall or they disagree with the way you parent your kids, but I’m here to tell you, none of that matters. It doesn’t matter because you showed up and you loved your kids and that’s enough. Let that be enough“.

Yes, let that be enough.
Others can judge you mama, but they do not know the invisible fight you win daily. And they probably will never know or understand. But if you are reading this and are struggling with suicidal thoughts It is okay to feel this way.
The fact that you fight it and carry on living through it all makes you much stronger than you might feel on most days. But you are. You are strong, amazing and badass. And I see it and your child will see it too, when they are older enough to understand. They will learn from the strength that their mama displayed daily and the unconditional love that you give them with every beating of your heart. They will learn from your perseverance.

Whenever you feel that you aren’t enough, remember that we aren’t supposed to be perfect, we aren’t supposed to have our shit figured out all the time. We are only human after all.

And so I am grateful to my mother and every other woman who suffers from mental health issues and struggles daily, yet continues to exist and survive for the sake of their children. I am sorry that this society continues to fail you, but don’t be ashamed to seek help and therapy. Don’t be ashamed of feeling what you are feeling. And it is okay to struggle… some days more than the other. But hang in there!

Because, mama, you are a freaking badass warrior.


© Fiona Crystal Sep 10, 2019 | 11:24 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Invoke your inner Goddess

“Live by the sun, Love by the moon. Love • Pray • Love ∞ Repeat” [….click to read the full post]

‘Psychedelic Goddess’ Illustration : @t.radz + Photo : @fionadiaries
|| सत् चित् आनन्द || (Sat-chit-ānanda) 🧘🏻
“Existence, consciousness, & bliss”

Live by the sun. ☀
Soak every moment of bliss,
Learn from every fragment of pain.
Let those tears mix with your stardust.
Smack it on your skin and call it your strength.

Love, pray, then love again so deeply they call it a — sin.
Use that forbidden magic to invoke your inner Goddess.
Uplift yourself higher,
Into a consciousness beyond space and time.
You don’t need to explain yourself or operate on other’s energy.

My wild thing, don’t stop.
Don’t be ashamed.
You make the universe happy.
You make the holy mother proud.
Go celebrate your Goddess within.

Thump your chest.
Run in the wild.
Love by the Moon. ☽🌕☾

Love • Pray • Love Repeat

|| अहं ब्रह्म अस्मि || (Ahaṁ Brahmāsmi) 🕉
“I am Brahman, the supreme reality. I am the Goddess”

♡ XOXO ♡ 

© Fiona Crystal • Jan 11, 2018 | 09:56 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved


“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.” — This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. [….click to read the full post]



Before you begin, have you read part 1 of this article yet? It might help you understand this piece even better! ‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :


The article mentioned above is a raw piece about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.

July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM


This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering.

So many times I have heard that I am not enough. That I will never be enough.
I have heard that I am broken, that I am broken beyond repair, and that no one will accept me for who I am.
It has been countless times that I have been told that I will never truly be loved. That I am not worthy of love.
I have lost track of the number of times I have been told that I have no worth. That I deserve to be treated in all the bad ways because I refuse to back down and stay silent. That I am not worthy of respect.

I have lost count of the number of times I have wanted to give up because the pain never seems to stop. It feels like a wound so deep, it is too far gone to be ever healed. And most days than not I let myself feel that defeat, especially when those pain and nightmares haunt me and hurt me in all the horrible ways! They come in waves and hit me the hardest and pull me under and drown me. And I feel too tired to even try to stay afloat and breathe. Because even breathing seems like a hell lot of work! I just want the pain and humiliation to end.

And yet a soft whisper inside of me keeps reminding me that…

“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.”

It will. It has to, right?

This pain, and being constantly thrown against the tide, and surviving every single time no matter how tired I feel will matter.  I will make sure it does. And finally, there will come a day when I thump my chest and give out my battle cry, and scare all monsters away. No nightmares will ever scare me.

Creatures like us shouldn’t be scared of nights. We are the daughters of the moon, after all, we evolve in all the phases and we revolve and never stop moving forward! We are light and dark, full and none and everything in between. No man can hold us in their palm, they can only cover their eyes as they are scared of us shining brighter than them. Do as you please, revolve around your axis. You are a force to be revered and loved. Let no one ever tell you that you are less than that.

And one day— 

  • Some shall call me ‘a witch’ and fear me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a Goddess’ and worship me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a mother’ and learn from me.
  • And some shall call me ‘a mystical wild thing’ and will be forever entranced.

However, only I would know the rollercoaster journey and the experiences that took me to finally be all of it and some more! — Let this be our little secret, and let us heal all our soul wounds. I am not alone, You are not alone. This universe connects us, and so you siphon my courage, and I will siphon yours, till we are stronger enough to not be scared of our nightmares and monsters again.

We are enough — always were, and always will be. 


© Fiona Crystal July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved