She will just walk alone

She is hurt.
But no one cares or has ever cared for her feelings.
People said they love her and will always be with her. That they loved and accepted every part of her. That they will never hurt her, never leave her.

And yet they tried to change her. She tried to change herself too, just to make them happy. The problem was not the change itself. The problem is that no matter how many times she killed a part of her, sacrificed and changed a part of her. Tried to be a better person for them. It was never enough for them. They hurt her. They left her.

They didn’t see her inner battles, her loneliness, and her depression. They didn’t see her tears.
They just cared for their own happiness. They only cared for their own ego.

They shouted at her. They called her names. They degraded her every now and then.
But she kept going back to them. She kept trying to make them happy. Because someone had told her that when you love someone, that is what you do. You give up your ego. But she bent over so many times to appease them that now her back is completely broken. Her self-esteem is dead.

Yet they hate her. And she hates herself.

But then one day she finally realized that probably they never really loved her. They just loved her beauty. But not her heart and her soul.
They made her hate her self. Is that love at all? Because when you love someone, you love their beauty, heart, mind, body, and soul. And perhaps, they never loved the broken in her. Because no one is perfect. Not even her. And when you love someone, you love all parts of them…the good, the bad and the damaged. And with love, you try to mend the broken and heal the pain. With love you make them whole again, make them happy. Yes! that is love.

So when she finally decided to stand on her own. Because her heart told her that as much as it hurts to stay away from them, as much as she loves them…it is not worth it. It is not worth it if they do not respect her feelings and soul.

And if they ever loved her enough they will come back to her and accept her, respect her, love her and make her whole.

There is a question above all other questions that haunts her the most
Did she never mattered for them?
And then she also asks herself how will she live without them?
How will she survive without their presence in her life? What about that future that she painted of the happily ever after?

The promises that they made, were they all fake?
The promises that they will love her, respect her, hold her hand forever and mend her broken pieces. Till death do them apart. Were they just empty words?

But then, if they do not come back then probably they never truly loved her.
It is time to test the promises they made.

Until then..wiping her own tears, clenching her broken pieces. She will just walk alone.

She will just walk alone.

“He never really loved me. Did he?
If he really did love me then he would have cared for the despair I feel. He would have felt my broken heart and seen the tears in my eyes. He would have fought with his ego. He would have thrown away his pride and held me tight in his arms. He would have whispered in my ears – Darling, it is all going to be alright”


© Fiona Crystal Feb 21, 2015 | 03:58 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved