I Hope You Are Reading This…

O mighty survivor of all odds — that life constantly stacks up against you!

I hope you are reading this…

I wish you knew everything that I went through to reach here. The truth is you don’t know, and even if you did you will never be able to fully understand, nor feel what I did to walk, run, and crawl myself to reach here— alive and still writing. And that should tell you that you will never be aware of all the countless battles that people struggle with, fight against, win, fail and/or survive through.

So be kind, to yourself and those around you. But most of all be kind to your soul, your mind, and your body. Be kind to yourself when you look back at all your mistakes, and fuck ups. Just be kind.

You have been through so much. I have been through so damn much! And we all got to believe that it means something. Something better for a better future. Don’t just fear the possibilities of bad things, but think about all those more breaths, memories, experiences, laughter, delicious foods, love-makings, and much more of all kinds of great things too.

After everything that we went through to reach here — We deserve it. You got to give yourself a chance to embrace it. Don’t let that little kid that you were… down, and the person you had the possibility to be before life threw you into bottomless chaos.

Because when the going gets tough for me, and it gets hard to breathe, impossible to sleep on days with depressive tides hell-bent on dragging me under — I remember how far I have come. I didn’t just survive, to give up now.

I have learned to confide in those close to me. I have learned to find help, support, and comfort. I am still learning. And it has been hard, and sometimes impossible to even share that I am in a dark place, but I have made improvements. I no longer think that something that makes me sick is my fault anymore. I don’t look at myself as a burden most time now.

I refuse to deliberately make myself suffer when I already suffer so much…because of reasons beyond my control.

I deserve to be treated with kindness, by me. And I have learned to be kind to myself. It took time, and endless miserable episodes; but I have reached there I think..you know a place where I can hold my own hand and take myself to reach out to the special people in my life who are always there to love me, support me while I fight my battles.

Yes, there are days and nights that feel like endless suffering left to float away in a black hole. I cry. I get numb. I dissociate. And I no longer have it in me to want or say that I need support. I just want to be left alone, suffering in silence all by my miserable self. But such days have become lesser – I am sure- now. And I have taught my special people, my support systems to recognize the signs. So, when I draw myself back into the cocoon of darkness, they know…and they hold my heart and love it. Because I no longer want to hurt in silence, all by myself when there are people that love me, and support me.

Baby steps. One day at a time.
One depressive episode at a time.

I may not be as happy as I would like to be, but you know what? I am less sad.

I may not be as happy as I would like to be, but you know what? I am less sad. My soul less hurt. My mind less chaos. My heart less broken. My life less toxic. I have made peace with my past. I have made friends with my demons. I have slowly started to open up to let myself soak in a little light every now and then. Some days I am less tragedy , and more hope. And that’s a real progress! And one day, I will definitely be happy. As happy as I wish to be. A happiness that makes my heart content, and my mind calm, my soul fulfilled. My kind of true happiness.

I have to trust myself. I have to accept myself. I have to love myself. I have believe in myself. Because it was only me that got myself this far. It was always me. When life threw me down the pits of hell-fire, I dragged myself up. I comforted myself. I saved myself. And I will be always there for myself. I am the saviour that I have always needed. It was only me. Always me. And I have to trust myself to carry this journey forward.

I have, and I shall perseverse.

And so shall you, if you just give yourself a change. Be the one true love of your own life.

This awareness in itself helps me so, so much! I respect my journey, and I admire my perseverance. And you should too; O mighty survivor of all odds, that life constantly stacks up against you! Have faith in your power.

Despite everything, in spite of everything – TRY, and SURVIVE. Crawl, get up, learn to walk again one step at a time, run and then go fly!

This is what I have always told myself, and still do over and over again. And if this has helped me go through the darkest horrors of my life, through my chronic health issues, and countless heartbreaks — this will help you too. ❤

Only when you flap your tiny wings, you can create a hurricane. But first, you gotta start believing in the strength of your wings. Trust me, it will carry you through everything, and beyond.

I truly hope that this brings peace – to your turbulent soul.