"What do you want to do?" "I want to vent, I guess"- She replied.
"Will that help?"- He asked.
She took a deep breath and replied -"I mean I hope so, or whatever. I am going crazy over here in my mind. I need an escape to unburden it all"."What are you going to title it?" - He asked with curiosity.
"Melancholia"- She said, feeling embarrassed.
"Wow! That's deep! You write. I will read." - He winked.
He went to sleep while she started to think of how to begin to word all the thoughts rushing to her mind.
"So here it goes!" - She closed her eyes, seemed to pray to the universe. And began typing.
What is this unsolved, unheard, and misunderstood melancholia slowly poisoning my mind and heart? If only it would spread to you so you would understand everything I have been meaning to say and failing so miserably at!
Does that make me a bad person if I say that? Why? Because I am desperate to be heard and understood so much at this point! This year, all I can feel is sadness. All I can think of is sadness. All I can feel is sadness. Yet another year!
What would you write about a love that is destroying your peace, and wrecking chaos in your life that you earlier believed was working well and would lead to happiness? What would you write about a person that you are hopelessly and utterly in love with and that seemed to be understanding before, but now simply refuses to understand you and hear you out? And how would you stop being so disappointed in yourself for choosing to give your heart and believing in their assurances?
It’s been months and months of standing still while my mind is in utter chaos and my thoughts racing and me feeling utter anger, disappointment, heartbreak, sadness, and frustration. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? And most of all, what and how do I spell it out? All the words that I seem to speak seemingly make no sense to the one person I want to make sense to. So now what?
I have done everything in my power to get things right this time around. Everything in my power to protect my time, heart, mind, and life from being tossed around, dismissed, and discarded this time around. I took my time, I asked all the right questions, I was cautious about all the right things, and I answered and shared everything, learned anything about myself, you, and our life that could have been of importance in ensuring the peace we are seeking. The life I envisionwithout compromising my principles and identity.
And yet, all of that did go to waste. My greatest fear came true. You have no idea how disappointed I am in myself, and in you! I feel like I am screaming at top of my lungs at a person that has built such long and thick walls around them that my voice reaches their ears but my words don’t reach their mind, and my feelings don’t reach their heart. No matter how much I speak, no matter how much I try to share, and no matter how much I try to make you understand – I am made to feel unheard, lonely, and misunderstood. Everything I speak is reduced to mere noise to you. I speak but you don’t understand. In the end, both of us are left utterly tired, so drained that there remains no fight inside of us to fight to stay together, and so frustrated – so freaking frustrated with ourselves, the circumstances, and with each other. Every time I talk it makes things worse. Every single time!
My heart breaks Into bazillion pieces everyday. And I walk over them To go through yet another day. I just want someone to understand What I go through. Day after day. Night after night. Through all the pain, tears And the fake smiles. I just want someone to stay, And love me in the middle of it all. Stay, hold me, and never leave. Is that too much to ask?
I did everything right from the beginning. I learned to trust you. So much so that I slowly learned to walk past the wall I had put around me after years of persistent inflection of misery and trauma. You are witness to how hard it has been for me to walk away from the darkness that I had been living in – to slowly learn to walk towards you and to seek your comfort, kindness, and love. I have had to work so hard on myself to slowly let go and put my heart in your hands, and build a life with you – and for what? All of that emotional labor for what? For nothing.
All your assurance, all the promises to keep me happy, to keep me safe, to protect me, to treat me with kindness, respect, and love – so much love! All of that eventually lead to so much more heartbreak that makes it impossible for me to breathe with ease at all times. What was the point?
I get angry at myself, I get angry with you, and I get angry at this situation that we have found ourselves in. But I cannot stop thinking about how I did everything right in the beginning and yet I have been wronged…still. What was the point?
"What is it that you want? What do you want that I should do? Do you really want to spend your life with me after all of that we know about each other and what can and cannot be in the future for us? You keep repeating yourself over and over again, venting the same complaints that you have, tainting whatever time we have left. I did all that I could, but there are things I won't. I refuse to. It hurts me equally as much as it hurts you, this is equally an impossible and heartbreaking situation to be in for me too. However, if being together is really what you want, would you adjust to some things the way I want in my life? You won't and I wouldn't ask you to make that choice. There is no point in all of this. Bringing it all up only brings more hurting. If only you could understand more, listen to me more - If only. But I understand that you cannot- and I understand why. And that's why I know there is no happy ending here for us."
Every question that you have asked, every problem that you have raised…my darling I have brought up solutions and answered all of them – not once, not twice, but way too many times. It will never be as hard for you as it has been and it will be for me regardless of the choice we make. You were looking for love, I was looking for safety and someone to embrace all that I am today without conditions. Standing at a crossroads between surrendering some of the things that still managed to protect and rebuilt inside of me despite and in spite of all in the past – or choosing a life with you where I 100% have to rely on you is still a choice even if you don’t ask me to make. There is a choice for both you and me, and if you refuse to choose me as that would mean you would have to come to a logical and respectful compromise – I suppose you should understand why I refuse to choose you.
I keep repeating and venting about the frustration that I feel and the situation that we are in simply because I cannot get over the fact that YOU have chosen to put me in an impossible situation while you could have easily worked together with me to come to an agreement that would have benefitted both you, me and our future. And I simply do NOT understand. I try so hard, trust me I do and I simply can not fathom a reason as to why a person who loves me so much, who has been my strength for so long would be so dismissive of me, and cruel to my heart.
I have longed to hear you talk about how you cannot imagine being without me, about all the things you would eagerly do for me, about all the things you would work together with me to figure out and fix. Instead, all I hear is a list of conditions and predicaments from you.
"I will never find someone as perfect as you. And I will never get over you. But you know that there are certain hardpoints that we cannot seem to get past." - you said recently.
And did you ever wonder why? If you would only think of yourself and your own comfort I do not feel that you have my best interest in your heart too. I do not see you working hard to ensure that it is smooth and less difficult for me too.
It hurts me so much that this has instead turned into a competition. Who would sacrifice and compromise more? And why should I only do it? When it should be a problem that we both should have worked together to overcome! Because you see…it impacts, involves hurts both of us. And yet I am left alone to try to figure out ways to find solutions that would benefit both of us and feel so lonely and frustrated because I am the only one who seems to think of us instead of just thinking about me and my own benefit!! And this is why my darling, I am so constantly agitated and on edge. I seek comfort and help from you so that we both work together to help us to be together – but I get none from you, except for more frustration and dismissal because as per you. I can’t seem to shut up about things that cannot work between us.
What am I supposed to do? It is not about how hard it is for me to give up on our love, and let you go. It is about me being reminded why I should not have listened to my heart, allowed someone to break down my walls, and trusted that they would never let me go if only I allow myself to love them. It is about my constant fear that no one would love me the way I am, and there is no point in allowing someone in my life, trusting them with my heart. This is about how the person I chose to trust, love, and find safety in chose to hurt me because they simply cannot stop thinking of themselves and their own benefit.This is about me being reminded about how I was right to not think of happily ever after with anyone, any man ever!
Why did I listen to you, felt utterly guilty and opened my heart, and decided to dream of a life with you? I could have just let you talk about how much you couldn’t stop to start your life with me, how utterly lucky you were to have found me, and how you would never let me get hurt ever again! I could have just let you talk all of that, about all of your excitement and love and happiness to finally be with someone like me while I should have kept my heart close to me, remained inside my walls of safety, and continued to only love you the bare minimum.
"What is the point of repeating all that? We have gone over this again and again there is no point in bringing it up again and again!"
The point is I cannot get over the fact that I wasn’t gullible and foolish this time around. I was practical, and rational, and went over all the issues that I could face with you and all the things I would accept, and all the things I won’t accept. You lovingly, and wisely assured me that there was nothing we couldn’t fix and handle. You assured me that no matter what… you understood the situation and still chose to be with me. And yet, eventually, the very same things you brought up as a point of concern and that announced simply that you think that these things are not something that you can get past. Either I compromise or else it wouldn’t work between us. I am supposed to still have 100% faith in you that you truly love me, accept me, think of my well-being – and that you would take care of me on the condition that those conditions are met.
I would like to add that I never once heard you bring up and talk about what challenges I could face because of you and what you would work and compromise to ensure that I was satisfied and happy with you. I have longed to hear from you for a long time about all the things you would do for me and want to do for me to keep us happy together. Early on you would not stop talking about all those things despite the challenges you and us might face – because you did not want to lose me, you loved me with all you had and worked to accept and love me for all I was – my good, and my bad. You were excessively emotional, desperately in love with me, but also extremely rational, realistic, and logical. And with all that you believed that we could build a future together, so much so that eventually I ended up believing the same!
Maybe it was just delusion! and yet I was relieved and utterly happy to learn to dream with you. But here we are! the same guy cannot stop being rational, practical, and negative – no longer emotional and desperate to be with me.
Now I have a list of conditions that I am asked if I can meet, despite the love I chose. Terms of agreements to consent to (that seem to only benefit you). And I would need to either choose that or my sanity and self-respect!
If only you came to me seeking a future with me, coming with all the things you would do to be with me, I would have happily told you all the things I would do for you. I would have happily made compromises and sacrifices willingly and without being asked to! I would have happily accepted all the things you couldn't give up on if you would have happily accepted all the things I cannot give up on. Had I seen the same eagerness, love, and desperation in you that made me fall in love with you - I would have done everything in my power to ensure that I would keep you happy. Unfortunately, I do not see it.
I only see a man who is pressed on to have his demands and conditions fulfilled, to ensure that he benefits the most out of both of us. This is neither mature, loving nor fair!
The fact is even though we both gave each other a promise of commitment and have respected our relationship, you have never approached me and assured me of the security of a future. Never once had emotional conversations; at least talking about what can be. Every time we have had discussions, we have always had practical conversations and semantics of what can work, conditions of what required for me to adjust, and your expectations of in what ways you want me to be understanding and being more trusting of following your lead by listening to you.
But trusting, believing you, and following your lead is why I am in this situation filled with conflicting opinions and an uncertain future. Never once have I been assured by you that the requirements I too have, you have heard and understood them and you too will fulfil them – if we simply talk about all things practical. And I am tired and frustrated of only discussing things practically, but never with our hearts, and never emotionally thinking of our love!!
I have longed for and waited for you to approach me, promise me the security of a future, showing me with your actions you working to make it a reality. You have no idea how happy that would have made me feel, how safe and at peace I would have been. My mind would have been at ease because most of my frustration is because of the uncertainty of our future. I am old enough, mature enough, and experienced enough to understand and take the lead on and do all the things that are required to adjust, commit and make it work – willingly. You never had to ask me for it, never should have – simply given it to me, and I would have returned the favour – happily. This is what being in love means. I waited a long time, but you never seemed to grow out of your list of conditions.
And I did not know if I should even hope to ever see it happening.
I am not desperate, I am just tired. I am frustrated because I cannot seem to comprehend how even after everything I have tried to do right, and give it my all, I am once again left with no support and so much pain to carry – yet again!
I chose to seek someone to love so that my future with the person wouldn’t be transactional and only about practicality. I chose to seek someone to love first so that I could spend my life with the person I truly love and want to be with! – so that we both could have received things that are usually lacking in transactional social marriages/relationships: Warmth, love, understanding, and choosing each other’s happiness first. Someone that makes our souls happy and heart glow! The person who would make the difficulties of life easier to navigate – together.
Yes, I do not understand you, simply because you have stopped understanding me. Yes, I do not listen to you, simply because you have stopped listening to me. Put yourself in my shoes, think of all the things I have been through, and try to fathom the pain I feel right now.
I am the same person that couldn’t trust any man intimately and simply refused to allow myself to rely on him. I am the same person that learned to heal, trust you, opened myself and tore down so many walls, and overcame so many personal and emotional challenges because I learned to feel enough, I learned to feel respected and most of all I related to feeling safe and understood. Finally, for once in my life! And I learned to slowly listen to you, without having to lash out at you when you were simply treating me with kindness and care. I learned to let you be there for me, and help me – learned that it was okay for me to let you take my hand and lead me to your heart and in life too!
I learned so much with you, and yet I refuse to if I feel my feelings are being dismissed and are reduced to ‘constant nagging/ complains’. I am tired of repeating myself and yet you are not tired of not hearing me out, and choose not to understand and learn what I am trying to express to you.
"I wanted you to be my peace, I already have so much chaos in life and home." - You say.
Then give me peace and security first. Ease my fears and worries first. Give me assurance of a future first!
How can you shamelessly expect zen wife duties from a stressed and frustrated girlfriend you cannot assure a future to? When you used to give me patience, and peace – I gave it back to you – when I saw you eagerly trying to have a future with me. When you started to dismiss my feelings, make excuses for your behaviours that hurt me, and stopped being clear about our future together, but kept me tagging on confused by refusing to let me go either – I stopped being your peace. I stopped showing you sweetness and patience. Yet in the past few months, I have tried my level best to be as loving as I can be most of the time, in spite of it all! And yet you pick and chose the days as an example to criticise me – the days I seem to struggle a lot emotionally, physically, and/or mentally. Shame on you! This is what I want you to know, but cannot seem to reach your heart with my words and cries of anger, frustration, and desperation!
I am hardly a perfect person! However, neither are you. And yet you chose me, and I chose you too! That should have been okay, you assured me it would be. Yet now all there are these ‘conditions’ and problems and my head and heart hurt so much.
I don’t know how to share, who do I turn to?
‘Love Hurts’. Well…it shouldn’t! It simply doesn’t need to.
You have deliberately made the choice to hurt me, in order to protect yourself and there is no denying that! And I can scream as much as I want to, I can cry all I can, and yet cannot make you understand if you do not want to understand. And if you are choosing to just not care at all, in order to protect yourself from future repercussions that you are afraid you might face- in that case, it is on you. If I don’t find happiness in the future,, and if you do not find happiness in the future – it will be all your fault. And if you have made peace with us not working out, and made peace with a life without me, then make your peace with this too.
And you have no right to complain that I cannot seem to take it well because the only power I have left is to complain. And nothing more!
What else can I write if it can neither get better nor worse from here on? Whatever the hell I want, none of it will matter because the person who it is meant for, who is supposed to hear me out and understand my thoughts and emotions has tuned me out and can only seem to understand what benefits them. They are not thinking of me. If they did, I wouldn’t need to find desperate ways of communication – I would simply speak, and he would listen, understand, and not walk away as if I am the problem. It is ‘ME vs HIM’ instead of ‘US vs THE PROBLEM’ and no relationship ever got fixed with this kind of selfish and unhealthy mindset, and this will not either. No matter what he claims, and how much he can claim to love me the truth is he simply never loved me enough. He made me believe he did. There is a difference. Be the bad guy again. Because that’s what people do to me – make me the bad guy, while they cannot accept how selfish and self-serving they are.
A one-sided compromise is a sacrifice, and he seeks it from me if I want to be with him, but he will never do it himself. That isn’t fair at all. And no relationship works if the rules aren’t fair for both parties.
“You burned a fire of hope in me. I loved you back with all my heart, soul, and past trauma. You are the cause of my melancholia. You. And you still do not understand why I am furious at you. Why exactly I hurt so much!
You did this, you are the one responsible for this pain. You are the cause of my melancholia. You.
"Well then what do you want? What exactly you want from me? What do you want me to do? In all of this what exactly is your point when we have gone over the same things again and again while accepting that there is possibly no solution to this. No scenario that I can think of where two of us are happy. Then what exactly you are saying."
What do I want? I wanted you to understand me. What do I expect from you? I expected the same eagerness, desperation, and rationality that you showed me in the beginning.
You used to be loving, considerate, and rational, but now you are negative and calculative. You used to put me first, but now you only think of yourself and your benefits. You worked hard to keep me happy, and thoughtful of my emotions, and I worked hard to learn to do things that earlier I found challenging and emotionally difficult – overcoming my trauma to learn to love you, feel safe with you and learn to be comfortable in things that I found made you happy.
When you stopped being completely vulnerable and open regarding your feeling, I started to change and become more confused and frustrated. When you started to stop treating me with the same importance and enthusiasm, I started to change too, and became more agitated and desperate. When you stopped thinking about me and putting me and my needs first, I stopped to understand and wilfully accept the compromises I would happily do to make you happy. When you stopped working on this relationship and yourself, and towards impressing and expressing what I mean to you, I stopped working on this relationship too after a point. It became less about you needing me and more about me constantly asking you for the same attention that I used to get earlier. You stopped talking about how lucky you were to have me and kept talking about how full of issues I am. I am full of issues, yes. But this wasn’t news for you from day one. Neither were you perfect, and yet we both chose each other, and then what changed? What changed was your approach toward me. I felt like after you stopped chasing me after I finally chose to be with you, rather than being hopelessly in love with each other and treating me as the same center of your universe as you did, it instead became increasingly into me chasing you. I became increasingly frustrated, and I became increasingly angry. And who is to blame for that?
What do I want? What else would I want but for you to treat me with the same importance, kindness, understanding and desperation as before! For you to understand me, rather only about you asking me to understand you. I have asked to be left alone, and you have denied me that – I would have done some healing and wouldn’t be hurting like I am hurting right now. I have asked you to put your energy to work things out so that we can have a future together, and you deny me that as well – giving me excuses about all the reasons not to, the reasons that have existed since the beginning of this relationship. If it wasn’t a problem before in order to begin and continue this relationship, it shouldn’t be a problem now to stay together and end up together as well. But you somehow seem to find reasons not for things to work out, instead of finding reasons for things to work out. It frustrates me to my core since it seems to me that you do not want things to work out since every solution and compromise I discuss with you, you decline and dismiss them. And it leaves me confused as to why exactly all the problems that have always existed weren’t so much of a problem before, but to you, they are now. I want you to explain to me why that is exactly.
You cannot ask and expect my understanding and value if you refuse to give me that understanding and value yourself. How do I value a man who is so utterly selfish and desperate to only think of himself and all the ways he can benefit from the person he claims to love when he knows exactly how hard life has been for her! And would rather leave and choose another woman as a life partner to be with – simply to benefit himself!!
How do I listen, understand and make compromises for a man – if all I hear from him is him asking me all the only things I can do to make things work – if only I agree; instead of telling me all the things he would do for me?
How am I supposed to make peace with the fact that in the end, it seems to come down to the fact that I am the sole problem because I refuse to adjust and change so much that I do not deserve to spend my life with the person I love? How would you make peace with it if it were you in my place instead?
Can I just get the guy back who was desperate and eager to love me, kind and patient, and assured me that no matter what we would work things out because he is lucky to have me in his life, and doesn’t want to live without me? Not this guy who I have right now who only complains about how much I complain, dismisses my emotions, doesn’t hear anything I have to say, and brings more problems to the table than solutions, this makes this so much more complex than it actually would be and just simply refuses to budge.
"If only you were more understanding, then everything would have been perfect. Mai toh chahta hu tumhare saath rehna, par tum meri sunti nahi ho. Thodi understanding ho jaao tum. Sun liya karo meri baat. (I want to be with you, but you don't listen to me. Be a little understanding. Sometimes listen to me.)"
Yes, I have the same complaint. If only. Because if you were understanding, I would happily do so much for you, like I have learned to do over the years. Show me what you can do for me for once. Because I am sick and tired of hearing all the things you want from me all the time, to make it work.
Tum agar sunte toh tumhe samajh aati meri baat ki main aakhir chahti kya hun tumse! Tumhe puchhna nhi parta – because main already baar baar repeat karti hun even though you tune me out everytime I talk about things.But nahi! sunne ka and smajhne ka theka toh bas maine liya hua hai. Main sunti nahi hun ye ek bohot badi problem hai tumhare liye, but jo tum sunna and samajhna hi nahi chahte jo main sunati hu tumhe – that is totally fine apparently!(If you would listen, you would understand what I ultimately want from you. I don’t even need to ask you because I repeatedly explain it, even though you tune me out every time I talk about things. But no! I’ve apparently taken an oath to only be the one who needs to listen and understand, of course. I don’t follow your lead, and this is a significant problem for you, but apparently, it’s totally fine for you to not want to hear and understand what I’m telling you.)
We were not meant to be together in the first place, this is exactly why I tried so hard to not give in to you. And yet you convinced me that we were meant for each other. It is time that you convince yourself the same.
I cannot mend a relationship, and make it work if you are ready to. And right now you have made me feel like I am the reason this will not work. And that is not the truth, and you know it well within yourself. You have started to think so much with your brain that you have gotten such there, it is time that you should think from your heart too. Because if not then why exactly have you refused to let me part ways? Only for me to agree to stay so that in the end you can have to power to shatter my already broken heart!
No! None of this is okay. And it’s on you. This is your responsibility to fix. If you do not then you not only fuck this up but also fuck my mental sanity, happiness, well-being, and my carefully rebuilt world too. And if you want to let it go and run, then run. But you will never forget what this has done to me. I will never forget what you have done to me. And I will never forgive you.
No wonder I have such trust issues with people now! People like you are to blame. Every time I learn to love, the person destroys me all over again, without any repercussions, without any hesitation. You have no right! And that’s what I want to say.
If you wanted to be with me, you would find a way to; no matter the circumstances. And if you do not want to be with me – you would be too busy looking for reasons and excuses for things not to work between us. There is no in-between.
And this is all I can muster up to say in this situation because no words can explain the pain, hurt, anger, confusion, resentment, and disappointment that I feel.
This ever-growing melancholia in me even spreads into my nightmares. Even in my dreams, I am not truly at peace.
Thank you for choosing to love me, because if you hadn’t I wouldn’t have learned that no matter what anyone says – no matter what I do – love will never work out for me. Because I am not fated to be happy. I am not fated to be accepted by any man, because I am too much for him. Always will be, no matter how much any man would convince me otherwise. I do not seek any man’s approval. I simply seek love, sanity, and happiness. And maybe I am even desperate for it, that is why I want us to work out, despite knowing no matter what you continue to refuse to because I am too strong for you. Why would you only want things from me that would benefit you, I want things from you that benefit me too. What is wrong with that? Why string me on for so long, and convince me that I could trust you if you were too weak to follow through with your expectations, words, and emotions?
I did trust, that you would take care of my heart and keep me happy. In the end, you are the reason for my misery. Simply because you refuse to be emotional in a relationship that is built on emotions, and using your brain where you would be using your heart – should be trying your best to find solutions for both of us, and to make it work, instead of giving me pointers why it wouldn’t. You convinced me to be with you, and it is your responsibility to convince yourself and everyone else too. If I had rejected you it would have broken your heart, but when I decided to choose you, you are breaking my heart. After everything I have gone through in life, from hell and back, is it fair for the person you love to go through so much again?
Love isn’t cruel and complex, you are cruel and you are making it complex. It’s in the mindset.
This is my letter to you that I mean to simply write and burn. But the ink in my pen would run out, and the paper would be too soaking wet in tears to be able to properly jot down. Therefore, here I am on my blog, venting my musings to the world – because I would like to know that I am not crazy to feel my feelings! It is going to take a long time for my heart to heal. I desperately repeat my pain to you, yet your heart never feels any of it. And yet you promised to treat me like a Queen…and assured me my heart would be safe with you. So, where are you now with your promise and assurance? Making your girl cry tears of regret about choosing to put her trust in you, and give you all she had left to give, whatever she had slowly rebuilt!
Why don’t you come to me first and tell me all the things you will do for me, I will tell you that there is nothing I wouldn’t have done for you if only you stopped demanding it from me and simply promised to be with me till the end. I do not think are afraid to lose me, and it shows!
This is just another oversharing venting, with no solution or relief. However, this is the only power I have left here, the only place I can speak.
He was never worthy of my love. Never will be. And I cannot seem to stop crying for all that I foolishly believed he would be. I have longed for him to come to me with the same desperation that he had when he was trying his best to win my love. I long for him to come to me and discuss all the ways he can fix things for me, all the ways I can fix things for him, and all the ways we can work together to reach the goal of ending up together. Unbiased, unselfish, and something that would benefit not just him or me, but both of us. There is a way, and this problem isn’t without a solution. I have tried to tell him that so many times. Only he isn’t ready to listen simply because he isn’t mature enough to understand that love and relationship aren’t things to treat as business proposals. I can bring the solution to him, but it is his choice and job to come to me and take it. I am not looking to win and neither I am looking to lose. I simply wanted to make it work because it wasn’t some practical task that I had to tick off my list of things I am supposed to do in society. I simply wanted to make it work, wanted him to make it work – well because there is love between us. And you can make compromises with love, but will not do what he has been doing in the name of future and love.
I refuse to be the only one agreeing to compromise. This relationship involves two people. This love we had was between two people. I am not the only one in love. He is too. And this isn’t fair to me. Not at all.
Work hard to make things work between us, so both of us are happy, not just you, not just me – this isn’t just about us individually but about our love and this relationship in that we have invested so much time, emotions, and energy.
Wasn’t that the whole point? That we need to be compatible, and if things aren’t working out we got to end it early without hesitation simply from a practical point so that it doesn’t hurt either of us much emotionally – And if we choose to stay together and make things work then we will get married? We chose to stay together over the years, clearly. I wonder why? And I wonder why you seem to be making practical choices and decisions now that we have already invested so much time over the years – and also mentally, and emotionally. The time to think practically has long past gone, but this isn’t the time for that anymore. This relationship has taken too much space in our lives and too many people know for it to fail now – for you to suddenly wake up from your love slumber and realize “Hmm…there are too many complex issues here.” And you wonder why I am so pissed!
Or, you know what… I no longer want you. None of this is worth so much pain being inflicted on both of us. And your love was just… empty. Just like your actions – that never followed the promises you made. I deserve better. Better than this. Better than you.
I don’t want you anymore.
Women seem to not even get the bare minimum of equality. It's a sin to be loud, clear, and opinionated. It is a sin to not bend to the wishes of the man. It is a sin to not follow, accept and listen to all the man has to say. That since thousands of years... a woman's greatest flaw, is to be strong, and to have a voice and a brain. To want to be treated as equal is equated with women seeking dominance over the man when all the woman wants is to love and care and to be taken care of by the man! Demanding sacrifices and not choosing the woman because they won't change at the whims of the man. Women are made to be the problem when it is quite the opposite, But it is the woman who has to live with the guilt of that as if it is her fault that she doesn't deserve love and acceptance from the man she loves. A man is afraid to be with a woman, if he fears she will not silently follow and live according to how he sees fit. And neither society nor man sees any problem and inhumanity with this problematic mindset. If I chose myself, I lose the man I love. If I chose the man I love, I have to make the choice to bite my tongue, do as I am told and trust that my man will make all the decisions that are there and pray that it would benefit me as well, not just him. Even in love, the woman becomes the victim of misogyny. No matter how much love you give to a man, it will never be enough for him. He will ask for your submissiveness instead. And if you refuse it will insult his ego. And a man's ego is more important than the heart of the woman he loves.
In the end, there is nothing I can say that can convince you if you refuse to convince yourself, nor do I want to. There is no point in choosing to be with a man who cannot even listen to his heart, let alone the heart of his lover! Who instead is wilfully choosing to follow the social expectations that are demanded of him instead. A man like that can neither be truly happy nor can keep a woman happy.
Only a man who puts his and his partner’s heart first above anything else can be truly happy. Because it would mean that he is mature enough to take responsibility for his choices and mature enough to understand that nothing in life is easy, and nothing is so complex.
I deserve better. I deserve a better love. A sweeter love. A fierce love. A greater love. A forever love. The kind of love, and lover that I crave for – craves for me too. And I have to believe that. I owe that to my painfully and horribly shattered yet ever trusting, loving, kind, stubborn, hopeful and romantic heart.
The Nefelibata in me still longs for her smultroställe.
My melancholia desperately craves for it. Because right now I am wretched and hopeless! I am giving up on love. I am giving up on my dream of a ‘happily-ever-after’. I am too shattered, too tired!!
And, I yet…I still want to believe in Love. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
Maybe I am resilient, maybe I am stupid, or maybe I am brave – to still have hope for my fairy-tale. Just a big-hearted hopeless romantic little girl still wanting to believe that there is a happy love-story written in her name. So mote it be!
𓂀 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 キツネ 妖怪 🦊 Namaste! I am Fiona. 𝐀 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃 𝐆𝐎𝐃𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐒. I am a nefelibata with a wanderlust, looking for my smultroställe. Alone, I find my soul spinning words of heartbeats and lucid dreams of wild things. Creativity is spontaneous. Writing is extremely personal & emotional. Compiling new topics takes effort & time. Every piece is close to my heart. So if you enjoy reading my posts, spread the word, subscribe, and donate. Thank You!
Fiona Diaries 
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