I sit here in my bed wrapped inside my warm blanket looking back at the moments of a yesteryear. 2014. Will this new year really make a difference in my life? It might not until I do something about it myself. But what exactly do I do this time that will make things any better? Well maybe by not doing what I did last year or the year before or the year before. But I will make mistakes, I will screw up and I will have my loneliness by my side to keep me company once again. But who knows maybe this time it will be different because I might not make the same mistakes that I have always made.
A chill runs down the spine…is it the freezing winter air or the memories of the mistakes that screwed my life and happiness? Both I guess, everyone says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” .So I am a better and stronger person now. Am I really? I doubt that. I feel like the worst possible thing in existence.
Sorry about that…I have made this thing a habit, you know to question myself again and again. That is what you learn when you have screwed your own happiness time & again. Breath In. Breath Out. But I am proud of myself. I have not killed myself even though I continue to walk on the broken pieces of my heart and a shattered confidence to add more to the pain and agony. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I have broken down, cried myself to death and shattered in million pieces but never given up. I might give up tomorrow, who knows. But, I haven’t given up till now. And I love myself for that!
But you know what gives me the strength to not give up. What gives me the reason to fight back ? The one person in this world who held out his tiny hand to hold mine Twenty-One years and Two Hundred and Eighty days ago and continues to hold me on, the grip stronger with each passing day…My baby Brother ❤
There is no force in this world that would have stopped me from ceasing to exist. But, its him. The best gift of God to me, if God really exists, that is. No matter what I do, no matter what decisions I make, no matter how many times I screw up, no matter what everyone things about me…he is always there, wiping away my tears, telling me that its all going to be alright, no questions, no judgment, just comforting me like a baby (such irony considering that I am older and well, supposed to be the one who is more sensible!). He is always there.
When I look back at the decisions that has changed my life and filled it with miseries, it shocks me. I am not that person. Then how did I become like that! That is not me. That is not me. But it is me. I have made those decisions and I have committed those mistakes. What was I thinking? I hate myself every day for it. And by the holy Lord! have I been punished!! I have been punished a lot. Serves me right indeed considering that I still do not feel even an inch of guilt. But only God knows how much I have wished that it would have never happened.
I have experienced the highs in my life when everyone wanted me and saying out loud “I know that girl! She is my friend” , to the lowest lows when every eye one me making me crawl inwardly with more disgust to myself thinking about what they might be talking about me! I grew so suspicious and wary of everyone that I hid myself in a bubble. Mind you, I still continued to trust some people that i should have not. But then old habits die hard. And I continued to be hurt. Everyday a little more.
I will give you one example of the agony. Here is an old Facebook post : Date: 16 Aug 2012
“It’s the loneliest feeling in the world – to find yourself standing up when everyone else is sitting down. To have everybody look at you and say “what’s the matter with her?” I know what it feels like. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against you. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away.”― Robert E. Lee, Inherit the Wind
I can’t believe I came out of it ALIVE! I was going through so much…severe depression, panic attacks, anxiety, a lot of hate towards myself and so much more. WOW!! Man I am strong!
Someone told me that when you are too sad in life then submerge yourself in work. And I did just that. Working day and night. More hard work, more concentration, more extra time. I didn’t want to leave a single second to myself because I was always afraid I might end up dead like that particular and fateful day (night to be precise) if I continue to cry the sorry tears. But if you commit mental suicide (lack of a better word) or you commit physical suicide both way you are the one who is going to end up dead. Work is not an answer. You need peace of mind to stay sane and you need a proper sleep time and food to stay healthy. Money does not buy health and I tell you this work might be an answer to some extent but too much work is equal to death. And so my health deteriorated day and day. I might have been dead if had I continued to work at that pace any longer. But did I care? NO. Should I have? Of course!!
The only good thing that happened to me this year is I am healthy. Not much healthy but healthy nevertheless. Money doesn’t matter if you are sick and dying. Too much work is not an answer. Yes I don’t have mental peace. But then I never had true mental peace in the first place. Drinks doesn’t help the pain either it just gives you a hangover to cry about the next day. Where to hide then? NO WHERE. You don’t need to hide.
The people who love you will love you no matter what you are, no matter what you have done. And the people who hate you will continue to hate you for no reason at all. You are not here to please everyone and anyone. Love yourself even if no one loves you. Trust yourself even if no one has faith in you. You are stronger than you think you are. I have learned this that don’t waste your tears for others, because people who don’t care about you will never care anyway.
I have gone through some good times, some bad times, a lot of worse times and a lot of worse* then hell times. It gets better, true. But, sometimes it keeps getting worse & worse. But I tell you this that if you have just one person to understand your silence then the pain is bearable. You fight your inner conflicts to live some more.
It might not get better but you always grow into a better version of yourself. That matters. When family and friends fail you. Strangers will help you because they will have nothing to lose from believing in you.
Don’t cease to exist, just cease to exist from the lives of people who do not love you. Trust me on this.