You Call Me Weak

“But you, my dearest what are you then?” [….click to read the full post]

Written by @fionadiaries | Art attribute: Anastasia Suvorova

You came into my life with the sweetness of honey and promised me the comfort and respect that I deserved. To see me disrespected and in pain, you said it hurt you and made you so angry.

You promised me forever flowing emotions and a love that broke my old chains and swept me and drowned me and saved me into a relentless storm. All at the same time.

You promised me forever. And instead, you mess up my head. And you call me weak !?

No. You are.

At least I stand up to how I felt and continue to stay in the middle of that storm. Even when I am left alone sobbing sometimes, where you promised me that you will fight for us, you will stand by me. Yet you leave me alone.

It is not weak to try to hold on to love, despite everything. What is weak is to break the heart of the one person you promised exactly never to do so. To break the heart of one person who has loved you despite everything. And then do just that, and still assume that you deserve true love.

I am not weak. You are.

My chains are made of love, and eyes filled with a hope of a happy ending. Yours are made of lies and deceit.

A tongue wrapped with false promises, and actions causing me a never-ending heartbreak.

Maybe I am weak if love makes people just that. But you, my dearest what are you then?

Certainly not any stronger for lighting fire inside my heart, my mind, and my entire life. And then walking over the ashes like nothing so intense ever happened!

You criticize me for sticking up to the person I was with, in my past, despite everything that was fucked up. Funny thing is am I not doing exactly the same for you?

I stick to people when they say they love me. I fight for that love that fills my soul. I fight till I have nothing left inside of me, and then give some more. That’s what I do when I love. That’s what I am doing when I am loving you.
Giving you all.

That is what love is. Not just forever filled with happiness, but some tears too. And if I am weak to stay and fight, aren’t you a coward to run and hide?

…and you thought I live in denial; you call me weak!

No, my dearest. That…you are.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal July 11, 2018 | 01:55 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.” — This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. [….click to read the full post]

 

 

Before you begin, have you read part 1 of this article yet? It might help you understand this piece even better! ‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP — Part 1: HURTING

The article mentioned above is a raw piece about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.


July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM

‘I AM ENOUGH’ — Part 2: HEALING

This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering.

So many times I have heard that I am not enough. That I will never be enough.
I have heard that I am broken, that I am broken beyond repair, and that no one will accept me for who I am.
It has been countless times that I have been told that I will never truly be loved. That I am not worthy of love.
I have lost track of the number of times I have been told that I have no worth. That I deserve to be treated in all the bad ways because I refuse to back down and stay silent. That I am not worthy of respect.

I have lost count of the number of times I have wanted to give up because the pain never seems to stop. It feels like a wound so deep, it is too far gone to be ever healed. And most days than not I let myself feel that defeat, especially when those pain and nightmares haunt me and hurt me in all the horrible ways! They come in waves and hit me the hardest and pull me under and drown me. And I feel too tired to even try to stay afloat and breathe. Because even breathing seems like a hell lot of work! I just want the pain and humiliation to end.

And yet a soft whisper inside of me keeps reminding me that…

“All things are temporary, even this pain. And so, this too shall pass.”

It will. It has to, right?

This pain, and being constantly thrown against the tide, and surviving every single time no matter how tired I feel will matter.  I will make sure it does. And finally, there will come a day when I thump my chest and give out my battle cry, and scare all monsters away. No nightmares will ever scare me.

Creatures like us shouldn’t be scared of nights. We are the daughters of the moon, after all, we evolve in all the phases and we revolve and never stop moving forward! We are light and dark, full and none and everything in between. No man can hold us in their palm, they can only cover their eyes as they are scared of us shining brighter than them. Do as you please, revolve around your axis. You are a force to be revered and loved. Let no one ever tell you that you are less than that.

And one day— 

  • Some shall call me ‘a witch’ and fear me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a Goddess’ and worship me.
  • Some shall call me ‘a mother’ and learn from me.
  • And some shall call me ‘a mystical wild thing’ and will be forever entranced.

However, only I would know the rollercoaster journey and the experiences that took me to finally be all of it and some more! — Let this be our little secret, and let us heal all our soul wounds. I am not alone, You are not alone. This universe connects us, and so you siphon my courage, and I will siphon yours, till we are stronger enough to not be scared of our nightmares and monsters again.

We are enough — always were, and always will be. 

XOXO

© Fiona Crystal July 26, 2019 | 03:00 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP — Part 1: HURTING

“Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess. Wake me up from this nightmare. My mind is going insane!” — This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. [….click to read the full post]

TRIGGER WARNING:  for DV/SV/Abuse victim and survivors + individuals who are battling mental health issues.

  • This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.
  • You matter. You are loved. Please never hesitate to seek help. xoxo

Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM

‘SOMEONE WAKE ME UP’ — Part 1: HURTING

 

I close my eyes and drift off
I see darkness everywhere ..deep valleys
Standing alone…

I am in the middle of nowhere.

Then I feel it! That sharp pain in my heart.
That moment when it is like the life has been sucked out of your body.
When you are so shocked and surprised, angry and broken at the same time.
Like you just got a sucker punch and you are now lying on the ground.
That moment when life seems meaningless.
When you want to live, and yet you think of all the possible ways to end it!
I can feel these painful feelings now.

Love what is it?
It is a big bullshit. I am done. I am over it.
It is a fool’s game that people play to use each other.
Love what is it; if not a deadly weapon that people use to knock the air inside of you and choke you.

When all you have done is constantly tried Tried hard to be a better person. Tried. Tried. Tried. Tried. And yet somehow, it doesn’t matter. It is never enough. No matter what you do. It is never going to be enough. Never.
You have made mistakes. And people are going to remind you of it every single day. They are going to kill your peace with every ticking of the clock.
But you have no right to get hurt. You have to bear all the physical and emotional pain. Rude words and abuse. And you have to be silent, listen to it every day. Because if you say anything then they will get hurt. Oh! the irony!!
You…yes I am talking to you you don’t get hurt. your tears are useless. You are not a human after all. Your emotions do not matter. Your tears will never matter, and neither will you.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Someone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

You have no right to be a better person. I repeat no right.
Why didn’t you just leave? You fool. Why did you try? Why do you keep salvaging that which can’t be saved anymore? The broken pieces and the damaged cores keep cutting you deeper, bleeding you, hurting you.

What did you get out of it?

They talk about love and getting old. They talk about every romantic thing in the world but then you realize they are only there for your physical aspects. They are only there to use you. Use you until you are empty. Hollow.

Then they will blame you for being hollow too!
And you give them your mind, your happiness every inch of your soul. Yet still, that is not enough.

Nothing will ever be enough. You will never be enough. They want your physical being and when they won’t get it anymore. They want your mental peace, they want your soul. Or else they will go, they walk away and still blame you. They will complain about your existence. They will complain that you don’t change as per their wishes, even when you keep changing until you do not recognize the person that you see in the mirror. And when they have no more excuses left to drag you down, degrade you and complain, they will threaten you with walking away. You will be the bad guy. No matter what you do. No matter what they have done to you! You will still be the bad guy.

You mend a broken relationship for the person you love, who has promised to be with you but at the best possible opportunity, they leave. Or they constantly remind you that they want to. Oh! they can’t even stand your sight, yet still, claim they sacrifice so much to be part of your life.
And you are the one who is bad.

Other people don’t make mistakes. They do not make mistakes. They do you a favor. 

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Oh god! Anyone?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

Shake off your little feathers dear girl. Shake it off!

Because with whom you made plans every day to fly away with, made plans for a better future together has left you in despair. You have been used, you fool! And now when they can’t use you anymore they have broken all promises. They manipulated you, told you lies, showed you false dreams, made you cry and hurt you. Abandoned you in a time when you are helpless and alone when you are too weak to survive alone.

  • When you try to leave the mess you are an abomination.
    When they do it they are doing you a favor.

Yes, you have made your share of mistakes. But you accept it and you live with that choice every day. You are human. You are trying every day trying to be a better person. Yet it is never enough. Is it? And will it ever be enough?

They can abuse you, even hit you every day. They can even manipulate you sexually and psychologically. But it is your mistake to tell them to stop. It is your mistake to put your foot down, and scream that you are not going to take it anymore.
What right you have?
How can you? How dare you?
Writhe in pain and die you fool.

  • Doesn’t matter; I tell you, your pain doesn’t matter.
    They will remind you about it every day.

But you have to be quiet. Just shut up and listen.
Shake off your pretty little feathers I tell you! For you belong to this hell and you are not going anywhere.

Oh god! Someone get me out of this mess.
Is anyone listening?
Wake me up from this nightmare.
My mind is going insane!

What have I done? All I did was try! And it doesn’t matter to anyone.

Just break down and cry.
The tears are your only escape.
Your smiles are all lies.
Drag the blade across your skin.
Don’t scream outjust die.
No one is here to listen.

Wait…what? I am awake! This is no dream
This can’t be happening?
Oh! I am just going crazy.
I can feel the thumping of my heart. It is deafening.

Oh! my heart is shattered beyond repair!
I cry tears of blood.
Broken pieces of my wings are scattered everywhere.

You are happily watching me cry?
Oh! May you live long. Really long and watch me die. Hope that will make you happy, brings back your smile. Finally, you will find peace inside you sick twisted dead haunting mind.

Or maybe…just maybe Karma will finally catch up to you and drag you to hell. I am already there and I have made friends with the devil because the angels don’t care for my soul anymore. And when you are here with me, I too shall laugh when I see you finally break down and scream. Bloodcurdling screams. The likes of which that bleed your insides the kind my soul screams every moment, every single time.

‘I AM ENOUGH’ — Part 2: HEALING.  This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships and negative situations in life. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering. •  Click below to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

XOXO

© Fiona Crystal Sept 29, 2014 | 11:04 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

I won’t write for you anymore

My love,
You broke me…
And now all I have left is my love letters to you.
Yet, nowhere to send ’em to. [….click to read the full post]

My fingers are tired,
And my heart always broken.
My soul wants to give up,
Despite all false hopes and promises.

I won’t write for you anymore.

You don’t read them.
And if you read them…you ignore them.

While I turn every drop of my blood into words.
And paint papers with them.
While my mind is covered in ink stains.

I won’t write for you anymore.

I fill my prose and poems with fragments of my soul.
My words try to tell you how every part of me loves you.
But you don’t care.
Not anymore.

I won’t write for you.
Because you don’t write for me anymore.

My love,
You broke me…
And now all I have left is my love letters to you.
Yet, nowhere to send ’em to.

XOXO


© Fiona Crystal July 11, 2018 01:35 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Remains Of Burnt Bridges

And every once in a while you can still feel the ripples of the shock-wave pulsing through you. [….click to read the full post]

Before you begin, have you read part 1 of this article yet? It might help you understand this piece even better! Click here to read it. (It is a hyperlink) :

Forgiveness is a process

I often wonder, how many people struggle with the fact that they continue to care for people who were the reason for immense hurt in our past; even if it is a tiny fragment of care?

And every once in a while you can still feel the ripples of the shock-wave pulsing through you, from their sucker-punch in your gut. So you know forgiveness is a closure you can’t give them or even afford for yourself. Because how can you forgive someone… when that past continues to affect your future, while their’s gets better!

There continue to be residues of emotions you want to tell them, of how it went down for you, and how hard it was to get back up, cross that bridge and move on. However, you know there is no point, nothing more than a waste of your breath. Because the people who never bothered to understand or cared about you and your emotional well being, will not bother about it now.

Yet despite everything, you can’t help but still feel reminisce of the sweet times. And against all your wishes, sometimes you long to have it back. But it is far from what you truly want: to stay as far away as possible from people like them. And you know I often wonder…do you miss the version of them from the past, or is it really the emotion that you want to live again?

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Dec 6, 2018 | 4:37 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Forgiveness is a process

“At the end of the day we all look to finally make peace with our past.” [….click to read the full post]

Forgiveness is a process.

I personally don’t believe in forgiveness, I believe in accountability.
But for some people, forgiveness is an important step towards closure. Which is okay too. At the end of the day, we all look to finally make peace with our past.

And once the person – that has caused the hurt – takes genuine accountability — that is the beginning of our healing. It is then we decide if the relationship is worthy of healing too. However, keep in mind — they don‘t get to choose when we should stop bringing up the past, or how long it takes for us to finally be okay with them. Because they did NOT think of us when making those choices of consciously hurting us.

Too many times in the pursuit of closure, we end up kicking up settled specks of dust and reopening old wounds. Because that road leads us to revisit the past. So then is giving forgiveness to the person, worth hurting your own soul all over again?

“Forgiveness is a process. Yet we don’t always need to forgive, but simply make peace with our past. So we can eventually move on.”

I feel that forgiveness happens in our own unique way. We just need to allow ourselves the time. And people who caused us the pain, shouldn’t have the power to berate us for reminding them of something they did. Instead, they would be empathetic and apologetic that we are reliving the pain caused by them.

REMEMBER — They are responsible for our pain, but we are not responsible for their guilt. And if the person doesn’t respect your time to heal, that shows that the person isn’t truly sorry after all!

My next article is about the complicated subject of ‘Moving on’. Click here to read:

Remains Of Burnt Bridges

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Feb 18, 2018 | 11:55 AM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved