TRIGGER WARNING:  for Domestic Violence/Sexual Violence/Abuse victim and survivors.

• This raw piece is about abusive relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.
• You matter. You are loved. Please never hesitate to seek help. xoxo

“You’re choking me with the same hand that you’re caressing me with.
Your mouth says the most awful things to me yet still tastes sweet when you kiss me.
You tell me you love me yet you act like you hate me. And still, i can’t leave you.” —  e.s. // abused & loved.

ARCHIVED POST. Originally published on June 26, 2016

I know that in your tiny little head… you have made this world where I am the bad guy and you are the victim. A victim who suffers. And you blame me for Everything. Everything that happened, and is happening. You blame me for everything I did. You blame me for everything that I do. You blame me for everything that you did. You blame me for everything that you do to me.

But don’t you think that it is really not possible for me to be responsible for everything considering I am the one who gets beaten & degraded. By you. Don’t you find it strange?

The truth is…you are the villain of this story. Our story.

I loved you. I loved you so damn much that I gave my everything to you. My past, my secrets, my vulnerable self. And what did you do? You twisted it inside your twisted brain and threw it at me to degrade me, to hurt me.

You said that you weren’t good enough for me when we first fell in love. And then you said I wasn’t good enough for you after I fell in love with you. You have told me every single day that I wasn’t good enough. And when I tried to leave you, you said I wasn’t good enough for anyone. You told me that any man I will love will abuse me, beat me. That you were doing me a favor, by loving me.

Because I am not good enough.
Because I deserve to be abused.
Because I do not deserve love.

You broke my heart, spirit, and mind and then there was no escape. You made me a liar. Because every time I told you a truth you would end up hurting me with it. You made me a cheat. Because every time I did everything to make you feel how much honest I was with you.. your paranoia told you to believe that I wasn’t loyal. You made me lonely. And I tried to look for someplace else. I tried to find an escape. You made me sad. Because the person I fell in love with had disappeared and what was left was his shadow — toxic & dangerous.

You.

You abused me. You insulted me and degraded me. You abused my mind.
You pushed me, choked me, threw me against the wall, threw me on the bed, pushed me down the floor, slapped me, pulled my hair, spun me around like a rag doll, hit me. You kept hitting with your feet, all over my body, and I tried to shield my self like a poor little frightened dog on the floor. Screaming in pain. You abused my body.
You pinned me against my will, while I was repeating “NO” like a broken record. I begged you to stop. Yet, you sat on top of my body, you held my face with your fingers hurting my cheeks and you raped me. You abused my soul.

And every single time you did these things to me, I cried and begged for you to stop because I was afraid that you will kill me.
The face of my family would flash across my eyes and I hoped that they would forgive me for allowing this to happen to me, for maybe dying before seeing them for the last time.
Through my tears, when you were doing these things to me I kept repeating that “I love you” thinking that maybe you will take pity on me and stop.
I prayed that this monster that you were when doing those things would suddenly disappear and maybe that guy I loved would appear magically from inside of you. The guy I fell in love with. And he will hold me and kill this monster that was hurting me.
I prayed for you to come to me and save me from yourself!

I prayed someone would hear the screaming, the yelling. I prayed someone would come along and save me. But no one ever did.

“I hate myself for letting you do all those terrible things to me.”

Every time you would come to me and beg me to forgive you, I tried desperately to find that boy inside of you who I loved so dearly.
You said it was your last mistake. And I believed you.
Every time I believed, a little part of my self disappeared. Every time you broke your promise and did it again, the hole got deeper inside my chest.

Your love may have been a prison cell, but prison cells have a certain kind of safety to them. I was addicted to this kind of love. I never stopped hoping for our happily ever after.

And man did I hope!

I spent an entire decade with you!! Waiting for you to come back to me and kill that monster. But I didn’t know you were long dead.
And I miss you and hate you at the same time. How did you let this happen to me? To the girl, you loved so much!!

You think that you are the hero. NO. You are narcissistic who had done everything to me and broken me and yet you fail to see it. This is what abusive men do. This is their pattern. This is your pattern.
You are an abuser and I am the abused.

You don’t want to believe it. But one day you will. And when that day will come, you will finally realize how much pain you gave to your self, to the guy I loved. How much pain you gave to me, the girl you loved.

“How did we get here
I thought we were building a home of endless possibilities.
Now all that’s left is a blazing carcass, my broken bones are turning into ashes, please lie down with me”

You made me this vile dirty woman. You made this person that I always hated the most. I loved you, purely fiercely, loyally and you did this to me. You did this to me and I will not forgive you. I will never forgive you. And you will suffer. You will suffer and experience every pain you gave me each time you laid your hands on me to hit me. You will suffer for every mental anguish and fear for my life I have felt. Because of you. You will suffer for every time you made my heart cry by your harsh words to degrade my self-esteem. You will suffer. And I will never forgive you. You made me this person that I have become. And you will pay for this. You will pay for every feeling of despair I have felt. For every drop of tear, I shed because of you. You did this to me. And I will never be the same again. And for this, you will suffer. And I will never forgive you.

“…you made me cold, you know? took the softest part of me and left it in the sun till it rotted and rotted. Even the good memories taste bitter to me, my lost love.” — redrosepoet

How did you let this happen?
This pain will never end and the scar inside of me will forever remain. I suffer. Because of you.
How did you let this happen!

I scream and sob as the nights go by. I can’t sleep and when I do nightmares haunt me. Flashbacks of what you did cling unto my mind. And I am barely hanging on. I am scared to trust because I am afraid that they will eventually hurt. I am barely living. I have no inspirations of happily-ever-afters because you were the prince that stabbed my heart. I am dust & ashes, so is my life.  I am finally free yet I feel caged. My wings feel broken and my hope crushed. I am barely dreaming. 

All I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs until I can’t feel the gigantic space in my soul that you have so graciously given me.

You did this to me. You did this to us. You did this to yourself.

You.

I will never forgive you. And one day you will never forgive yourself either. You will never be able to stop the pain.

“You can’t just treat me like shit and expect nothing to change between us.”

♡ XOXO ♡

© Fiona Crystal • June 26, 2016 | 03:13 AM 
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

Darling, it is not okay for someone to hurt you so don’t be afraid to cut a toxic person out of your life, it’s hard but it feels so much better. Trust me.

“Every domestic violence victim/survivor, people in abusive relationships go through different circumstances, and yet they are all connected by the similar pain, fear and conflicting emotions of love and hate towards their abusers. It is possible to escape. But you need to break away from every piece of toxic comfort that you are used to, let go of any fear, brush off all the shame. You stood there for so long that you have grown roots around your abuser. Yes, it is not easy, but it is also not impossible. You owe this to yourself. Love yourself, first honey. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not weak. You are a fuckin warrior!”

Click below to read other posts about a similar subject. (It is a hyperlink) :

SOMEONE WAKE ME UP — Part 1: HURTING

This raw piece is about toxic relationships. The subject is dark, sensitive and emotional as well, for all the obvious reasons. Therefore, reader discretion is advised.

I AM ENOUGH — Part 2: HEALING

This raw piece is about healing from toxic relationships and negative situations in life. The subject is sensitive, emotional, yet uplifting and empowering.