The fault in loving me

“You do not deserve this version of me.
Broken, damaged and lost.”

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Dearly beloved,
 
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry that because of me you have to put up with all this and go through so much pain.
As much as it hurts me to say this,
I wish if I could go back in time and take back the moment I said that I feel the same as you — “I love you…too.”
 
At least then it would have been me who would be hurting right now.
At least you could have forgotten me and moved on thinking that it was just a one sided feeling.
At least I could just keep the pain and this poison of my life to myself rather than destroying your peace of mind and happiness.
 
But I so much mean it when I say this that I truly love you from the bottom of my heart.
Every trace of my soul and every fragment of my body, mind and heart loves you.
Truly madly deeply.
 
And as much I wish to turn back the clock of time and erase myself from your life…
I do not regret a single tiny moment of it.
I do not regret to have met you…
— To spend every moment possible with you.
— To be able to look into your eyes.
— To touch you, hold you and kiss you.
— To make love to you.
 
I had waited my whole life for you.
And now that I finally have you, no matter how hard my life will get,
I do not regret a single second of loving you — as much as it hurts my soul.
 
But sometimes I think, what if I could go back and alter the time?
If I have to lie or tell you the truth, to spend what time I have with you — what would I do?
Maybe, I would walk away never telling you how much I love you.
Then at least, your heart would break just once instead.
Or maybe, I would still do it all over again.
This time when I would confess my love for you — I would kiss you too.
 
Whichever it would be,
I would still love you.
My heart would still break forever without you.
I can’t fathom my life without you!
 
And yet I am sorry.
You do not deserve all this.
You do not deserve this version of me.
Broken, damaged and lost.
 
It hurts me to see you like this.
You have no idea how much its hurting me.
I wish I could die and you could move on and be happy.
Just my fault. All my fault.
 
I cry myself to sleep every night because you are all I have.
And I can’t live without you.
 

“Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.”

XOXO ♡ 


© Fiona Crystal Dec 9, 2015 | 5:03 PM
Fiona Diaries — ‘Heartbeats and Wild Things’ • All rights reserved

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